VANESSA; YOURS' TRULY. [=

Public

2012-01-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

Think it's time to open up this blog again. No more security permission for this blog again until I don't know when. Hah.

It's almost the end of Poly and with a few weeks left, got to start keeping a lookout for work and also for any Uni which I could apply for.

As for now, I'm gonna start being a grown up and be more committed in the things that I am doing. Studying, exercising, learning third language, piano, etc, I should not be intimidated by the amount of work that I have to put in but to do my best in everything that I'm gonna start doing. I need to be more focused and must be more determined. I want to work hard and enjoy the fruit of my labors.

Attended a church service at Heart Of God Church (HOGC) with PrisPris yesterday. It's been long since I last step foot in a church and attended a service. I felt the distinct difference between people of God and people of the world as I sat through the sermon. The atmosphere and the energy brought forth by the enthusiasm for God is overwhelming. I'm touched and am thankful that God saw me and saved me.

I know I can't change people's perspective on me overnight but I'm going to do it slow. I will show them that Christ lives in me and I will want to show others the glory of God. :)

I know that Father will guide me through it! :)

For now, I got to hit the sack and wake up early in the morning for some exercise! Hope that I could wake up!! :)

P.S. I love my current blogskin! hehe. If you are able to read this post, it means that you know the way in here. haha!

Future

2012-01-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

I had been thinking since the start of last year's December regarding life after graduation. Still pondering over it. Still am unsure as to what I should be doing. Especially during Open House, everyone's been asking me what am I going to do after Poly and when I say I don't know, they were shocked and said that time is running out and I should be making a decision quick.

I should be heading to Uni but what course should I take up? What I'm afraid is, I might grow sick of my profession.

But still, at the bottom line, everyone somehow know where they are heading to yet I'm still taking a step at a time.

Whatever! Let go and Let God! :D

Welcome to the year 2012!

2012-01-01T18:14:00.001+08:00

Yet another year! Goodbye to 2011 and Annyeong to 2012! :)

So far, 2011 had been great. Thinking back, as every day pass by, memories starts to fade from vivid to bits and pieces. At the end of the year, the freshest memories were the ones etched in the heart and the year that had just past.

Some major milestones in the year 2011;

April 2011, my 3rd year in Poly officially started with Internship at Dairy Farm Singapore. There were much hesitant in forming our group but even though we ended up attached to the same company yet the group was different. But nonetheless, the 19 weeks in PPD was awesome. But there were regrets that I still feel deep down in my heart. If only I am more proactive and initiative then my Major Project could be a better one. But, it's over already. I just have to learn from this experience. :)
Moral of this experience - to be more initiative and be more hardworking in everything that I do and do my very best. If I do my best, I will not have regrets. :)

10 September 2011, attended my very first, in my entire 18 years of life, concert. The SHINee World 1st Concert in Singapore! It's still too surreal that I can't feel anything. The excitement still could not totally sink into me. Thanks to TingTing who helped me with this! If not for her help, I will never be able to go to this concert so smoothly with my cousin and her friend. :)
Still hope to see them again soon! And they are making their comeback soon! This feeling is really, no words could describe it. This inexplicable joy and happiness, it's God given.
And I'm reminded of this song; "Top of the World" by Carpenters.

"I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around. Your love's put me at the top of the world."~ :)

9 December 2011, my second concert within 3 months. 2011 Girls' Generation 2nd Asia Tour. Another awesome experience and this time I experienced it with some of my classmates and also my BFF, Sharon. SNSD is the first Kpop group I am introduced to and my admiration for them is still here! Though SHINee is now my most favored group but this group will always be the best Female Group in my heart! :)

10 December 2011, my 4 years in Christ! :) Ever since 2007, it is then I start to know and realise and learn what life is. How to treat everyone around me correctly. I had been a horrible tyrant during Secondary 1 and 2. Then in Sec 3, it is through God's love and guidance that I learned a lot of things. And it is His love that was given to me through my friends that I understand the joy in having friends and clique. Also, my most special friends are Priscilia and JieNi. In the environment which I had grown up in, I rarely get in touch with Christians and therefore, it is only during Sec 1 that I got to know that there's this religion. Therefore, I am thankful that God bestowed so many friends to me. Sharon, Evon, Shermeen, Priscilia, Jade, Cherie, KaiLin, WeiLing, KaiWei, JieNi, Sijin, EnNi, ChingYan, ShiQi and many more! :)

My last day of 2011 was celebrated by watching live stream of Korea's Year End Song Festival, name the Gayo Daejun. K-pop had been strong and it had made my life so happy too. Music is universal and I am really happy that I'm exposed to K-pop. Though it may be an annoyance to people who don't like K-pop that I keep spamming news about them through Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter but I am really excited about it!
Though at times I may not like to share within my friends cause there's this inner fear that I am having but I'm going to not care about it but just care about myself. Not caring if others might surpass my love for them, I just want to show my most genuine side. Onew got me out of situations when I felt that love is hopeless. SHINee and SNSD gave me joy. Nonetheless, I just want to continue spazzing! :D
Also, to improve on my Korean as my third language. :)

But ultimately, everything is God-given to me! No matter what, God is always my number 1 and I will never give up on this relationship with Him! :)
I will continue to work hard. I am still lost with regards to after Poly, whether should I work or study, I will commit everything to God. :D

I just want to end this year with an "AMEN!" :)

Ho Ho Ho~

2011-12-25T17:44:00.003+08:00

HOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Exactly 6 more days till the end of the Year 2011! This year had been a good one to me as I had tried many new things and experienced many never felt before feelings. :)

It's Jesus birthday today too! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS! Many years ago, you came to this Earth and this is the greatest miracle till now. I LOVE YOU! :)

My top Christmas wish will be, to grow more regardless of spiritually or psychologically. :)

Though I still did not get to experience my white Christmas but I hope one day I could, together with my families and friends. :)
It's not raining today, but it's windy. Great weather. :D

I really hope everyone will have a joyous Christmas! :D

Till then, MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

So right now...

2011-12-18T22:49:00.001+08:00

So right now, just a few more hours away; in another 1 hour and 33 minutes, my Term Break starts. Another day has pass by mercilessly, yet again.
As I was sitting on the couch today, I can't help but think that, As I sit here, I am slowly growing up, but on the other hand, it also means that my life is also being reduced, bit by bit. 2012 is nearing, and as the first two numbers had reflected, I'm turning 20. I need some life catalysts to change or speed up my life with more colors. I will always find myself asking, till date, what have I achieved? Where am I heading to after this chapter of life in TP ends?

I always tell myself to buck up, time to make a different. Yet I always find the passion that I had ignited within myself just like a firework, gone in a flash. So radiating at that moment but gone in just a blink of an eye.
I want to pick up skills, skills that I really like and am really interested in, skills like learning a third language and being more musically inclined, till date, nothing much was done. Reason being, I am trying to hold too many things together that it starts to fall apart when I don't keep things running consistently. I am lazy, I should be more hardworking. I am stupid, I should be smarter.

I really like things relating to Korea. Kpop, K culture, etc. It is like a dimension where I can be myself. But what kind of things can I do or learn so that I can venture into such industry in the future? Events Management? At times like this, I always envy those Hallyu Stars, whereby at a tender age, they started practicing and now, they have a career and even though it's tiring but at least, they found the "thing" that is running in their life. They are heading to one direction, getting to the same destination and that is music.
I am always curious to want to know the feeling whereby you practice so hard and so long for a performance and finally, it's time to show case what you had been working hard for. I can't imagine the sense of achievement that they will feel.

Hmmmms. I guess all things ain't too late as yet. This time, I must really buck up. I want and hope to see the changes in my life. Whether is it musically, spiritually, physically, emotionally or verbally, I commit everything to God. :)

The fire within

2011-12-10T22:57:00.002+08:00

人的一生中总是有着许多的无奈。无奈是一种现实，一种我们知道问题的根本但却没有办法让它消失；无能为力。

我寻寻觅觅了很久，今天我大概了解如何把无奈当成一种推动力，让我在我的人生中写下使我满意的里程碑。心中的那把火，努力不断往前迈进的躯体和那份爱，变成了我生命中最重要的三件事。

It's been so long since I had written in Chinese. Ever since I enter Poly, English has somehow become a main language in my life. It's been a while since I had interacted with Chinese, to think and to express myself in my Mother Tongue.

I'm gonna work hard in maintaining the three languages I had learnt so far, English, Chinese and Korean. Wants to work hard to be able to speak fluently in all three languages.

How did I spend my 4th birthday~ I woke up at 11am and went to collect my The First album at City Hall. Yay to SHINee! :D

Bought lunch and spend the rest of my day in front of my laptop. I came upon a video which is "Star Life Theater" and the 4 particular episodes I had just finished watching is about SNSD. It's about their recent comeback and showing each member's life and thoughts. Their passion for music, their enthusiasm, their friendship bond and their hard work outshines any other things. It's unimaginable to see 9 girls of different characteristics to live harmoniously together but they can, putting aside differences, they work hard together.

I'm inspired by them. Living each day as if my last, I'm not going to wait anymore. I had always love to push everything to 'tomorrow'. I really hope that from tomorrow onwards, no more tomorrow but today. Father taught me a lot of things and this is one of it and I should also learn to share more. There's still so many things in life that I need to perfect it. I have to push muyself to attain it. I will work hard and I will want to be a better person. :)

Hope the next time you see me, I will be an even better Vanessa. :)

Numbers

2011-12-10T02:06:00.002+08:00

Today I'm gonna talk about the numbers 4, 5 and 9. Coincidentally, the equation is such that 4 + 5 is equals to 9. But I'm gonna talk about the numbers separately~

4! Firstly, today is a big day, 4 years ago, on 10th December 2007, I made a major life changing decision. Accepting Christ! It's been 4 years and never had I once regretted making this choice! Though my life isn't exceptionally good or smooth or a bed of roses but I never had it hard either. Because I truly believe, it's God who had been blessing me, with those prayers.

4 years in Christ, I still have a lifetime to go! And I'm looking forward to it!

But I had been quite inactive in church and bible study lately due to Major Project, projects, quizzes and assignments, but these shall not be an excuse anymore! Gonna be more active! :)

I will continue to serve Christ and I know, I will be ready no matter what happens! ^^

Still have so many self improvements I have to make! :)

5! Definitely goes to my five precious boys! SHINee! :D
This year had been an amazing year because I got to see them! Especially Onew! :D

Next time when they come, I will want to be at moshpit! But for now, I'm gonna start, really start saving up because they are making a comeback in Korea soon! People may think that it's a waste of money but so far, my life had been revolving around God, school, family, friends and them! :)

I really want to be with someone like Onew but there's only him that is special in his own ways. I guess it would take an entire lifetime of miracles to make things be right. But I guess, such things will never happen to me but I will continue to hope, believe and everything will be alright. :)

9! Just came back from SNSD concert! Ohgosh! They truly are goddess! So pretty, skinny and flawless! Others may say they are plastic, etc but I don't care. Human beings are subjective, ugly they will say, pretty they will say it's fake. I'm not gonna care about it, I'm immersed in my world of happiness. :D

Thought that I lost my voice but it came back again. :|

Also, 4 consecutive days of happiness! 7th - SHINee Japanese first album titled The First was released. 8th, Onew, Taemin and Key's Barcelona photobook was released, 9th, SNSD concert and lastly, 10th, my 4th years in Christ! :D

Alrights, I'm gonna collect my THE FIRST Album tomorrow! YES! :D
Waiting for my Barcelona photobook to come and also, my Onew style 2012 calendar! :D

I'm so happy right now that no words can express the gratitude I had towards God! How I wish I could be more determine and show Him that I'm really am thankful! Father, give me an obedient and understanding heart to do Your wills! :)

Stress Breaker

2011-12-08T20:18:00.002+08:00

This week is the last week for this term. Next week will be Term Test week. One day of paper and I'm done! No more Main Exams or anything. But there's 3 group projects to be done over the 2 weeks of break.

The most madness and tedious week is over. Managed to get through it but hopefully my works will be alright!

Going to SNSD Concert tomorrow! Can't wait! But I will be thinking about SHINee concert! Hopefully everything will be alright! Gonna be at moshpit! Hope I won't get squashed!

Time for some relaxation! :)

Boy, only you have this magic to make me fall in love with you again and again.

Superman

2011-12-05T04:11:00.004+08:00

My superman.

Though it's 4.17 in the morning and I'm only left with less than 2 hours to sleep, I still want to blog. I want to make it a point to update my blog from now on. To make myself aware of how did I spend each day.

Anyways, today's post is about my superman. Yupps, he's my dad. A gift that Father gave me. Why the sudden post about my dad, you may ask. It is because today, I went out with my dad and I had came to realize many things.

My dad, a man of few words. Someone whom when I talked about, tears will start forming. He worked so hard for all his life. Since young, he quit school just to provide for his little siblings, to let them go for further educations. But him? He stopped at Primary 6.

Ever since granny passed away last year. The moment when granny passed away, my dad lost his family. During the funeral, the siblings that he adore so much, disregarded him by not including him in any decision making. I don't know why they did that but my dad, is their eldest brother and yet they did that to him. That moment was really the most difficult time of his life, I can sense that. He never has it easy in his work too, ever since the boss which he had worked for had passed away. The current boss and colleagues now just simply suck. They tried many ways to get rid of my dad because having working for more than 30 years, the pension or whatever it is called, will be a lot of money. They tried to find ways to get my dad to quit on his own. Because he has to provide for us, he never quit. Even through the time when granny passed away, when his colleague verbally insulted him, he lost his cool back then. It's understandable.

My dad had always dote on me. I can sense that and I know that. Therefore I want to do my best to make him proud. Though he may not have a good life in the earlier part, when he was looked down by his own siblings, I want to make him happy at his later part of his life. I want to work hard and earn lots of money not because I want to revenge on my relatives that they looked down on my dad. I want to show them, love and family warmth is more than some shitty money.

Maybe a good thing from it is that my little brother started losing faith in buddhism. He find more assurance in God. I always wonder to myself, I can make people like kpop so easily by influencing them, why can't I do it so easily for Christianity. I think this kind of matter really needs time and need that particular person to really feel God's love for him/her.

My ultimate wish, my parents and my family members and my friends to know God and accept him. Because I really want to reunite with them again in Heaven. Won't it be nice to meet in Heaven again when everything is just pure happiness?

Anyways, my daddy, I love you. Though you seldom speak, but your actions warms me. You always want to spend more time with me but you never force me to, you will always ask me whether do I want to go anywhere with you. I will get the hint, daddy. I will want to stick to you. :) Though there are times when I am mad at you, I really am sorry. Because I know that no one loves me like you do. No one accepts me like you do. I will always remember that when I had troubles, the embrace that you gave me, the pain that you felt and the encouraging words. I had met many kinds of dad(s), to me, you are my superman. Thank you. From now on, I will work even harder to be a better girl to you. :')

Sunshine smile

2011-12-03T20:17:00.002+08:00

The sun that shines after a downpour will always leave a magnificent view.

Just like a smile after a setback. Nothing will last forever, so does those pain. With all the love that God gave me, I choose to smile.

The most tedious week of this semester is finally over. I guess the main culprit is the Club and Resort report. It's such a killer, makes me stay up 2 consecutive nights just to finish it. But I don't think the result will be a good one because I don't know how to answer those questions about service strategy, unique selling points, service culture, etc. I don't know how to articulate those thoughts out.

Alrights, two more reports to hand in and I have to prepare for my Term test, which falls on the 13th.

Christmas is approaching. If only the weather is like this during Christmas night. Raining and I will be indoor doing my favourite thing, whatever that is. :)

With all those assignments done, time to slowly pick up the things which I had dropped during the hectic period. Piano, Korean language, I will start forgetting them soon if I don't do revisions. Also, shall tune back those early nights and wake up in the early morning to go for my morning jog.

Life is beautiful because God is here. :)

Today

2011-11-24T23:12:00.003+08:00

Today, I flared up. My past rebellious character broke out and I sort of scolded my friends. I felt bad but during that situation, there's nothing I could do but flare up.

The last thing that I want to do is to go back to the past, the self which I dreaded the most. The most obnoxious and selfish me. Quick-tempered, intimidating. But because the matter touched my sore point.

I'm tired. I'm helpless. I'm lost.

It's not the matter of losing my faith, I still strongly believe that Father is here to help me. It's humanity. I hate myself. I'm not stress, nor worried about school work. There's this feeling which I can't bring myself to feel what is it. This whole emptiness, this heavy feeling that I'm feeling. I figure out, it's helplessness.

I just want to bawl and cry out loud. Those emotions which are trapped within me for so long.

But even if I do that, will anyone hear those cries? Words of concern without action, do they still meant concern? After breaking the promises then apologise, for so many times, what does this mean?

Music, people judge me for listening to K-pop. But that is the only channel which could allow me to let it all out.

Praying, people judge me for being too religious. But no one can make me feel so loved and well protected, only God can.

You will never know if you don't dig deeper

2011-11-17T23:00:00.004+08:00

Currently am collecting all the thoughts I had in my mind. Chaos, emotional, tired, stress and the list goes on. I have so many to say, but at the point when I was about to express it, the thoughts just went missing. Therefore, I'm more of a thinker than a speaker or a writer.

At least for now, I'm all done with MP and now it's left with my presentation and the results for it.

Probably due to the assignments and quizzes that are coming up that's making me cranky and horrid. I just somehow had a little cold war with my parents. I'm prideful, I don't like apologizing when I know I'm in the wrong. I know I should respect them not just for the sake of respecting them but because they are my parents and this is one of the many values that God had taught me. But there are just times when I really can't maintain my composure anymore and just want to break down there and then. I want to talk to them because I'm struggling to hold on to too much things. But they just make a joke out of it and all the words and all the thoughts that I want to say, those words that took me a lot of courage to speak out, just went back down. It was then I realised that, through all the problems that I faced, when I needed someone to talk to, no one was there. There are many times when I picked up my phone, trying to call someone but I just doesn't have the courage to. Because subconsciously I know that, no one actually cares about other people's problem. Because they have their own's to attend to.

Even since SIP begins, through what had happened, I never want to show what is beneath those smiles. Because it's really, easier to show a smile than crying a pool of tears to show them how broken I am. Maybe because it's all those things that had happened, cause me to lose interest in relationships and to pursue what I want. But instead, I'm heading for my own passion.

Have you ever been to places where memories still lingers there? The places where we laughed and had fun can become places where you felt the ache in the heart. I miss my friends. I missed those times when school is just us and from time to time, we will study really hard just to ace the important examinations. But change is inevitable. People grow and they will grow out of the past. Situations become awkward and conversation becomes shorter and shorter. Will there still be a miracle whereby things will go back to how it used to be? I'm still trying to figure this out.

People say this is life but I would think it as Faith. Am I still holding on to the values that God is teaching me? Am I still holding on to the faith whereby God tells me that no matter what happens, He will be there. Yes, I believe. Because through all the things that had happened, He had showed me His unfailing love and faithfulness to me. My life can look normal on the surface but God and I are together fighting a battle everyday. In fact, I am facing financial problems now. Crying over money issue and worrying over it becomes a daily thing. Why? Because I'm foolish. It's my own problem, my own act that causes me to suffer. But I know that God tells me that no matter what is going on, He is there to protect me. He will ensure that I will come out of the battle unharm but stronger than ever. By looking at my worrying list, just shows the size of my God. I'm keeping it to the minimal, zero. I'm never going to let go, I will forever be praying and praying because this is the life I had chosen and I can boldly say, this is the one choice which I had never regretted. Getting to know God and accept Christ, is the best thing I had ever done to myself.

Still, whatever I have now, I am going to cherish it. I'm willing to be there for anyone. Even if the world abandons me, I know that there's someone who will never ever throw me away. Thank You Father. Amen.

Time is what I need

2011-11-09T00:13:00.002+08:00

I need time! A lot a lot of it! But I know, time is the only thing in this world that will wait for no one. Therefore, I need to better manage my time. I should make a timetable for myself as to what are the things I should do and at what time.

I want to do so many things in a day. I want to study, revise on the daily lectures and tutorials I had attended. I want to study Korean, I want to study Piano, I want to read the books I had borrowed from the library. I need to do my projects, assignments and MP! And lastly, I need time to use the computer! haha. But I always end up procrastinating instead of doing the above mentioned. Argh. So many things! I went from normal to berserk a few moments ago and my little brother is having fun poking fun of me. haha. Oh well, I should really know how to manage my time well!

Ohmy! One most important thing which I should not have forgot and yet I had forgotten. The time with GOD. Yes! If I don't have time for Him, it means that I really am busy. But I don't want to go a day without my quiet time. I want to pray everyday, without falling asleep. I want to talk to Him every day and commit everything unto Him. I should not forget this most important thing!

Alrights, I got the piano score sheet printed out and because I don't have a keyboard now, I shall memorise those lyrics. Shall head to Yamaha tomorrow and check out the prices. Why must they open at 12pm during weekdays! haha. Then I have to go check it out after doing my MP. :|

MP! ARGHHHH.......

900th

2011-11-04T00:59:00.002+08:00

It's close to 1am now. 1 more minute to 1am. Just finished downloading some videos to my phone and my presentation slides for MP. Really gonna pray hard for this presentation. Hopefully my partner and I could find the W-O-W factor in our project to WOW others. But still, whatever results I'm given, I know it's from GOD and He will give me the best that I deserve. So, gonna wok hard! :)

This week had been a slack week though it's only the 2nd week of school. I'm still enjoying school though I'm still trying to focus on the lectures. School for 3 days for this week and next week as Monday is gonna be a public holiday. Shall use this time to study! :)

Heading to school tomorrow to study, though APEL class was shifted to next week. Then in the evening, to Titanic Museum. :)

Went to Walk for Rice today with niang and Evon. We walked a total of 1,400m, which is equivalent to 1.4KM. Quite little though. 7 rounds and we donated 7 bowls of rice! Just in a short span of time we did some good deed. :)

Alrights, today had been a very happy day because I had fun laughing my head off with Sharon and Evon mostly. haha! Love them. :)

Okays, hopefully everyday will be like this. hehe. :)

900th post, completed! Time for bed! :D

Alrights, time to buckle up and get ready~

2011-11-02T23:20:00.004+08:00

2nd week of school. MP judgement in another 21 days which is 3 weeks. :| Scary things equals to stress. But nonetheless, I must work hard for it. Hope everyone will be alright so that after this MP thing, we can have fun! Time to party! haha!

Stomach feels so not alright. Shall head to bed and think of happy thoughts!

Lastly, to conclude, I shall mention someone who had never left my thoughts. There are many people, of course the first is God, then my family and friends. But him. I shall let the picture conclude this post. :)

I think if I'm free tomorrow, I shall go for the rice walk thing! :)

GOOD NIGHTS~ ^^

Shit happens, what to do? Flush the toilet bowl.

2011-10-20T23:31:00.003+08:00

haha. I know, the title is a little gross. But what to do? I'm feeling so shitty now. haha. At times like this, I just feel like sleeping. Heading for bed after this.

Major Project is creating a Major Problem for me. I have to change my mindset starting from tomorrow! Got to work harder! Hopefully the skeleton ppt that was done by Priya and I was ok. Hopefully everything is ok.

School's starting in less than a week and I have all my morning(s) free except for Thursday. hehe. I can go for some alone time, jogging~ ^^

Felt really sorry for throwing my temper at dad. :( I just feel so exhausted. At times like this, I feel so alone and helpless. But I thank God for He guides me back to where I am.

He makes me realise that, I have doting parents, caring siblings and wonderful friends. He makes me realise how good everything in my life is so far.

I will work hard, to be the girl that my Father wants me to be. I'm gonna stand strong and firm. I will pray. Because this is the only thing that makes me grow from weak to strong.

Alrights, got to get ready for a full packed day tomorrow! At a brighter note, Prispris is coming back home soon. ^^

19 must help Vanessa grow

2011-10-11T15:53:00.002+08:00

Officially turned 19 years old a few days ago. Throughout this 19 years I think the most happiest day of my life falls on 10th December 2007. The day when I decided to accept Christ. No days will beat this day as my happiest day of my life.

That day was the day when I made the most correct choice I had ever made. A choice I believe, I will never regret. :)

This year was a blast. I had my internship and it is the longest job I had ever worked for. 19 weeks and 2 days. Not to mention, 10 September 2011, my first ever concert. SHINee World Concert in Singapore. The most surreal night ever. I got to see my 5 celebrities and also Onew oppa. Keke. ^^

I believe the road ahead will be full of ups and downs cause this is life. Every year, I'm preparing myself to be a better person. And now, I'm preparing for my 20th year on Earth. For now, I'm going to grow up. Everyone's chasing after something and I should not be exempted from it. I will continue to live this life fully and I want to walk even more closely with God.

So, what I'm going to do is, I want to make myself healthier, grow spiritually, maturely, study harder, work harder, play harder and learn my third language. And last but not least, cherishing all my friends and family. ^^

I'm gonna chase down my dreams even if I'm laughed at. Hwaiting! ^^

I don't know why

2011-10-03T20:43:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but I feel like crap now. In a mess. I think I had lost touch of stress for too long that now when I felt it, it's too much to handle! I need to run away!

It's 3 weeks before school starts and I thought I could be free to do everything which I want to do but more and more things are piling up. Especially Major Project. Few days ago I was thinking what's the problem with Major Project, I don't feel anything towards it. And now, I felt things are getting out of hand because I felt the importance of it. :|

Have to do many reports and REVIT! :| Hopefully everything will be alright and when our school supervisor sees it, he will nod head and say ok.

Things can be done, reports could be done in a day and I don't know why I felt so stress because of it. I guess the result matters. It's 12 Credit Units! :|

But no matter what result I get, it's from God and I know everything will be alright. He will be there to help me.

I think I need a jog everyday to kick start my day. To make myself feel good and ok. I finished 2 reports today and what's left will be reading of Project Management book, doing a mindmap for shutters, render Revit images and build on the overall report and lastly a flowchart. Hope Priya could make the ROI ok, if not, I'm gonna bang head against the wall. :|

I tried watching videos to make me feel ok but I guess it's just a temporary getaway. I need to go to Korea now. haha. Onew oppa will be away to Taiwan on my birthday, I shall go to Taiwan. haha! If only.

Alrights, I should de-stress myself now. Got to think of positive things! Thinking that mommy will not be working tomorrow. Getting my pay tomorrow. (:

Shall slowly finish whatever things on hand! God will guide me through!

What Psychologists said

2011-10-02T20:16:00.004+08:00

I saw this post on Facebook and find that I really like how the Psychologist wrote us in this way.

Shall translate this;

心理學家說:

Psychologist says:

"不要看輕那些追求韓國明星的孩子,他們的心靈比任何人都還要純潔,

"Do not underestimate teenagers who are fans of Korean Idols, their hearts are as pure as anyone else,

他們勇於去愛,他們會想盡辦法去克服一切障礙,

they have the courage to love and they will think of any ways to overcome every obstacles,

語言上的障礙,種族上的障礙,國家上的障礙.

in terms of language barriers, racial barriers, nationality barriers.

他們象徵著和平,他們沒有種族鄙視,

They symbolizes peace and they do not have racial contempt,

他們會跟來自不同地區的有共同興趣的人成為朋友,

They will befriend anyone of common interest who comes from different regions,

他們比任何人都還要熱情親切.

They are friendlier than anyone else.

他們不容易背叛他們喜歡的人,不容易放棄一切堅持.

They do not easily betray people whom they like, not easy to give up their beliefs.

他們的內心比任何人都要堅強,

They are stronger than anyone else, intrinsically,

因為在他們愛著韓星的時候,他們經歷到生命中從未遇到的挫折.

Because while they are adoring their stars, they are experiencing setbacks that are rare in life.

他們都是感性的孩子,很容易為了一件事感動流淚許久.

They are sentimental kids, will tear over things that touches them easily for a long time.

經過調查,他們大部份都懂得感恩.

After investigation, most of them understands what is being grateful.

他們的心理跟其他人不同,

Their mindsets are different from others.

他們不會容易被愛情沖昏頭,

They do not get carried away by love easily,

他們不會有做壞事的念頭,

They do not have the thought of doing bad,

而且他們一般選對象的眼光非常高,除了外表,更看重個性,

But their standards for an ideal type are exceptionally high, other than looks, character is more important.

所以他們的結婚率不高,但離婚率也少為極少.

Therefore, their marriage rate is not high, but divorce rate are the least.

他們的記憶力很好,可以輕易記住自己根本就不懂的韓文歌詞,

They have good memory, able to remember Korean lyrics which they do not understand,

而且配合力也很強. 一般都是開朗的孩子, 不是很自閉的那種.

and their level of cooperation is very high. They are usually happy children and not those anti-social type.

而且他們的毅力很大,可以為了買到一個有關自己喜歡的明星的東西而堅持不懈.

They also have strong perseverance, having the ability to not give in until they finally bought the merchandises which are related to their idols.

總之,這些孩子的心靈跟其他人的心靈有很大的差別,

Overall, the mindset of this group of children and the other children are very different.

他們的思想也不容易了解,

Their thoughts are not easy to fathom,

一般都是要靠那些跟自己有相同興趣的人才能進入到他們的世界"

Usually they have to rely on those with similar interests to enter into their world."

However, these are just some thoughts which I think most of them are quite real to me, but I don't meant that non-Korean fans are anti-social or anything bad. We just have different likings.

Anyways, tomorrow onwards, should start on my Major Project! Shall start planning what I should do and try and finish it up by school starts. 3 more weeks to school! New and final semester.

Advanced technology

2011-09-28T13:20:00.001+08:00

I just downloaded the new app for blogger and now, i can blog using my phone with just a click. Technology is so advanced now. I wonder how will it turns out to be in the future.

Alrights, time to go get my lunch. (:

Lesson learnt

2011-09-26T12:24:00.004+08:00

Finally ended work. Remember the previous post when I mentioned that Caucasians ain't all that good. I think I had spoken a little too fast. Cause I can't judge others and I think they are overall, nice people and I met one honest one.

I almost lost a customer's iPhone yesterday. But I'm glad everything's fine now.

Yesterday was the final race and it was so noisy as usual and the queue just keep coming in. Then, I saw an iPhone on the table, presuming that it belonged to the customer whom had just walked away. Someone told me to run after him and I did. I passed it to him and he looked nonchalant. So I doubt it was him but he took it. I felt good because I did a good deed. Little did I know, one customer came and said he left his phone in our booth. I got a shock and I did not know what to do. Kok soon asked me to told him that I didn't see any. After telling him that, he walked away, sadly. I felt so bad. Guilt is building in me. I felt so bad. :'(

I know I am going to get into trouble and I did the usual thing which I will always do, I prayed. Pray to Father that everything will be alright. I was really lost back then. :'(

About 30minutes later, the guy which I had passed the phone to, came back, and told me the phone wasn't his. He returned the phone and I was really relieved. AMEN!

The guy who had lost his phone came back and was walking aimlessly hoping to find his phone back. I passed him back his phone and I felt so so so so so relieved! And I believe, this incident is not by coincidence but it is a way that Father wants me to learn something.

Really thank God for that. Lesson learnt. Never assume that a lost phone is someone's. Just hold on to it and the owner will come back for it.

And I will never want to judge anyone ever again.

And I don't want to do anymore bad things anymore. I will try. Cause the guilt is too hard to handle.

But I am really glad that I have my Father and everything will be double oh kay! :D

During day 2 when I was doing my Quiet Time, I learnt something as well;

Sometimes, when things doesn't go our way, it just meant that something better will come along. An example will be, I always pray to Father that I want to marry Onew Oppa. But I know it's impossible. But the things about God is, everything is possible. By a command from God, I might be blissfully married to him but sometimes, God didn't allow it to happen because maybe, something better is coming. He is the one who is piloting my life and He knows best. So I will have faith. I will see how my future will turn out to be. (:

For now, I just want to continue fangirling. hehehe.

But never will I let anything change the position of God in my heart. He is above all. Always my number 1! :D

Dying days; Day 1

2011-09-24T09:30:00.002+08:00

Reached home at 2am in the morning. Bathe and slept at 3am. I thought I was so tired that I could fall asleep immediately but I could not seem to sleep. Had a peculiar dream. I dreamt of chickens and many people. I dreamt of Shinee, I dreamt of classmates from Secondary school and Poly. Dreaming that we are going to do a IRDD project about chicken. :|

Dreamt of Onew oppa. hehe. :D

Woke up in the morning at around 7.30am by my dad. He will usually give me a light peck on the cheeks when I'm sleeping, as he left for work. :)

I'm awake now. Waiting for mom to finish washing the laundries and I have to leave the house at 10.30am. I'm gonna be late. :P

Yesterday was really a scary and tiring day. F1 ain't that great. It was noisy, it was smelly. I'm glad there's earplugs because my eardrums could have broke and bled right on the spot after rounds of racing. There are many people. Caucasians mostly. After last night, I think that, Caucasians ain't that great at all. Most are nice and friendly but some just are unreasonable.

Anyways, it was so chaotic last night and I just want to go home. And I feel like reporting sick for today but I can't. I must hang in there!

Gonna stand for 12 hours today. :|

Hopefully today will be better after the kitchen and work stations are remodeled. Hopefully! Time past by faster! I think the only thing I can look forward to will be, I will not work anymore! Shall wait for school to start. Meanwhile, stay at home and have a big break!

Working feels different. It broke my daily cycle of checking twitter now and then about daily updates, surfing the net, etc. For now, I just want to end this job quickly and have my big break!

Pray for today. Pray that everything will be alright and time faster past by! Pray for strength too. Amen!

Found, Mold and Formed

2011-09-22T20:42:00.003+08:00

Short update for the week. It's Thursday already and another week is going to be over again and that means, another week closer to the next semester which is the, final semester.

Stayed at home most of the days and from tomorrow till Sunday, I'm going to work for the F1 event. As a runner for a F&B supplier. Evon will be the cashier while me, her partner, as a runner. Hopefully I can handle the things that I am going to do. They say I have to handle with heavy stuffs, I wonder what heavy stuffs will it be and if I could carry it. Shall find out tomorrow. The next three days will be tiring, I guess. 2pm-12am work. I wonder if I could catch the last train.

Just Google search-ed it. The last train arriving at Pasir Ris is 0009hrs. Which means, I can't catch the last train. :'( No last bus either. Means there's only one way home, cab.

Alrights, shall start on my Major Project after this work.

During this remaining days, I want to train on something too. I want to train on my endurance to exercises and also, I want to mold my character. I want to be more firm in the things which I think is correct. I want to have a strong personality. Hopefully I can do it. I want to be more mature. And I don't need to be the best, I just want to be someone whom I am proud of. :)

Okays, shall anticipate work for the next 3 days, will commit everything into Father's Hand. I know everything will be alright with Him! :)

Gonna gain new experiences too. Amen! :)

Beware! Of the road ahead

2011-09-19T23:45:00.002+08:00

Felt rather down these few days. I guess I'm experiencing my downs lately. After the ups in life, it's time for the downs.

Holidays used to mean rest for me in the past when I was younger. Now, holidays meant work and lack of sleep. So many things happening in life that involve this thing term as "Money". I don't want to be a slave for money. Because money is really something that is so scary yet seems so harmless. Most of the people in this earth are always slogging their guts out for this thing. Root of all evil. :|

I told myself umpteen times that working meant gaining new experiences and earning extra allowance and every time, I look forward to having a job. But when there are jobs in hand for me, I felt scared, reluctant and negative. Just because I really want to stay home.

I really want to stay home this holiday. Do Major Project and the things which I want. I think after the F1 job, I'm gonna stay home as much as I could.

But then again, with the money I have now, I don't think I could go for grad trip, buy myself a sneaker and also, stop asking my mom for allowance.

The past few days were also bad because I felt lost. I can't seem to see where my life is paving to after graduating. Will I end up in a course in Uni which I want? What will my future job be? What will my future hold?

I felt so scared but I will hold on and pray. And I told Daddy God that, "If I'm too anxious and am going too fast, I hope He will stop me and guide me and learn to take one step at a time."

For now, I will focus on studies, projects and graduation. Then a vacation job will come and maybe I shall write down what I want to do in the future and 5-10years from now, I'm gonna check it again and see how different it is.

I think I could strike down one wish which I had been harboring. The dream to know oppa. Too, far fetched and surreal.

So many possibilities, so many paths. I hope I had taken the narrow path that Father wants me to take. Amen.

Far fetched

2011-09-17T21:42:00.002+08:00

Maybe sometimes, dreams are just too far fetched and deemed as day dreaming.

It's always at night that my esteem and confidence and passions and enthusiasm and dreams-i-thought-are-possible hit the lowest.

Sometimes, life just left me gasping for breathe and helpless.

Maybe, I should just take small steps at a time and just stick to some more realistic goals.

Liberation Obsession

2011-09-17T17:43:00.005+08:00

I guess by now most of my friends know what my obsession is. Or rather, who my obsession is. Well, it's none other that Korean K-pop Boy group, SHINee's leader, Onew.

But I don't really view it as my obsession. He's a dream whom which I am working hard on. I don't really know how to put it in words but I will try.

Somehow, after the concert, being able to see him standing in front of me physically, there's this psychological effect that my brain had been telling me. He's real and he's there.

So, it's like falling in love again. But this time, with someone so real yet he doesn't know that I even exists. It's a one-sided love, just like the past few crushes in the past.

People might think that I'm being ridiculous and overly-obsessed with some celebrity, but to me, he's somehow an escape for me. I know that it's only a dream, an unattainable dream which will happen maybe in heaven. But, he's a channel for me to escape reality. There are times whereby I thought that it's only a matter of time that I will meet him and get married to him. I guess love makes people go insane in thoughts at times. Thinking of things which might happen.

But every time after seeing those activities that they performed in and seeing so many fans just makes me more self conscious. That I'm dreaming. Though we are living under the same sky but he does not even know me, the chance of being with him is like what others say, one in a million chances.

I know there will be a time where I have to let go and snap back to reality but I know the time is not now. I know where my passion is and I want to work towards it. Maybe, just maybe, one day I will be able to go to Korea and work there. Who knows? Only God knows. And His plan for me is going to be great! I just know it! (:

Somehow, falling in love does not really appeal to me and I can never imagine anyone being with me anymore. Maybe I will end up alone but I know that I will never be because Father is there for me. (:

For now, just let me continue this dream of mine. :)

Thought of the day; today I went for a morning jog, something which I had been pushing and delaying. I felt real good after jogging and doing some sets of exercises. I had my Quiet Time and I felt so refreshed. Then I had this thought. I know that it's a truth that I have to wait for their return. And I am getting anxious and impatient day by day. But maybe, instead of waiting, why not prepare? Prepare myself to be more presentable the next time they come, prepare myself to know their language so that next time I will understand what they are saying and at the same time, making myself grow. I want to be dreaming and at the same time, growing. Changing my dreams into plans.

Father knows best. :)

Footwears

2011-09-16T17:36:00.003+08:00

I had a sudden urge to buy such shoes. So pretty. This is from Reebok, from the series of Reebok Omni Lite Pump shoes. But that series is only for guys. Can girls wear guys shoes?

I'm not the type of girls who likes heels and flats and wedges. I like to wear slippers and sporting shoes.

Went to look around at those sports outlets like Royal Sporting House, Nike, Adidas, etc. I spot a few of those shoes from brands like Puma, Reebok, Adidas and Nike. I think the Adidas and Reebok ones are more memorable to me.

I will save up and get one of those shoes. :D

It's unlike converse shoes. I don't like Converse shoes's material. I like these kind. So pretty. Must find one which I love! :D

Making up

2011-09-15T21:10:00.002+08:00

I need a job to make up for my splurging habit. Guess what? I just spent $78 today to buy this Maypoly Hoodie. I was really hesitating whether should I get it or not. I prayed to Father if I should get it then mom came out telling me that, if I want to get it, use my own money. Usually, she will scold me but she didn't. I got it in the end.

It starts selling in Korea tomorrow and I pre-ordered today so that my reservation will be kept and I think it will reach SG on 21st September. I get to have a poster. :D

I was contemplating which color to get. I was thinking, I have 2 purple jackets already (:D) so I didn't pick that. So I was deciding between white and grey. So, I picked white. Another reason for me to cherish this hoodie, make sure that it won't be stained. Is white a good choice?

And also, I spent $45 yesterday on a wall and desk calendar. :P will arrive during November.

I was thinking should I get Lucifer Japanese album. I think not. haha!

I really need to control. haha.

Post-Concert Syndrome

2011-09-12T23:26:00.002+08:00

Now I understand the feelings of concert goers. The feeling of anticipation while waiting for the concert day to arrive then when the concert is finally here, all excitements just overflowed. Then everything ends. Its been 2 days. I felt so sad and just hope that time would just freeze during the concert.

To make things worse, rumors of bad fan behavior and negative reviews from newspapers makes my heart drop, like literally I could feel my heart disconnecting from the veins and dropping. This feeling, it's like getting your heart broken over and over again. I may sound exaggerative but it's true. That's how I feel now.

Months to wait for them, hours of happiness and many many days in the future to miss them and hope to see them again. Hopefully they won't have bad impression of SG again.

What is this feeling that I am feeling? I just want to see Shinee again and Onew oppa.

I feel like a complete sh*t now. :'(

Father, help me!

Shall go for a run to make myself feel better.

Chapters of life

2011-09-11T18:37:00.006+08:00

Another excitement in life fulfilled. This week had been a contradicting one. During the first few days of the week I was so upset. I'm dying internally as seconds goes by, in a bad way. Because I had ended my Internship.

Then as Saturday approaches until the moment I sat inside Singapore Indoor Stadium. I'm alive! The moment I see SHINee and Onew oppa, it makes me feel like I'm dreaming. They are standing there in front of me. So surreal. I had always been seeing them through youtube and videos and now they are right there in front of me, I felt so blessed! Because I never regard knowing them as by chance. I always believe that knowing Shinee to loving them to getting their concert tickets and finally sitting in the indoor stadium, it's all God's plan.

I'm jumping for joy! Onew oppa makes me feel so alive because it makes me realise that the person I had been admiring is real and he is there, right in front of me. And they are all like what was depicted in all the photos and videos I had seen. So real and genuine. Not an ounce of flaws. Onew oppa is not in a good condition, he's down with sore throat and he still strains his voice. I really hope he will be well! I know that Father will bless him! And them too! :D

I'm so happy, I really am. But this morning when I wake up, everything just felt like a dream. I had so many doubts. Everything just felt so real. But reality always come knocking the sense out of us. I have to admit, everything I had went through is just part and parcel of my life and so I really want to keep every moment alive. Kpop is one of the many chapters in life, whether is it past, present or future. But I never regret that, I love them. And I want to continue my dreams, to make them my plan.

Onew oppa just makes me feel more firm about my decision. My parents always say that, "We know them but does they know us?" This is very true because they can't possible remember everyone of us, especially not me. And I have to let go one day. Accept the truth that he is at the other side of the world, he will get married to someone he loves and have children, while me? I had told myself ever since the first day I set my eyes on Oppa, it's either him or no one else. I don't mind being single for the rest of my life. I can give my love for other people, not necessary for guys. Because I know that I had had enough of guys and sometimes, some guys are just so arghh. haha.

I know this will just be another dream that won't come true but then, I know that in whatever I do, Father will be there to guide me and I know, some day, I will get to know someone who is just like Onew oppa, so nice and sweet and armed with an adoring smile and with a gentle and soothing voice.

Anyways, SHINee and Kpop makes me understand that dreams that may seem so hard to reach can be attainable as long as you work hard for it.

But I will always make myself take note that, no matter how much I like them, my priority never shifts, my Father is always number 1! :D

One last photo before ending this post! :)

My future husband. heeee. :D

When the emptiness sets in

2011-09-08T21:17:00.003+08:00

19 weeks and 2 days of SIP had just finished, maybe because I just ended this week, thus I still miss working there. Even though there are times when I don't feel like going to work because I'm very tired but there's just this magic touch to the office. Every time I am assigned a task and I could feel myself not procrastinate but want to do it.

As you can see from the photo, it's not every one in the office I had taken photograph with. There are a lot of people whom which I really miss and I think, I miss my supervisor the most. Though he is always busy but his care for us is like a father. His warm smile brightens my day and I will always look forward to him assigning me task. I always think that he is a good guy, a good husband. Instead of being a fierce boss, he chose to be a long winded and naggy type. But he is very detailed and every time we finish our tasks, we will feel very wishy washy when we are going to show him what we had done.

I also miss Shan shan jiejie. I miss everyone there! :'(

SIP aside, it's time for my vacation. There's always a time for everything and now, it's time for me to take a break before the new school term starts. I thought I could hide at home after SIP but I was wrong, meetings after meetings and my to-do list seems to be piling up and I really don't want to spend any unnecessary money. I guess I will push my Major Project for next week onwards. I shall have my fun this week. Going to SHINee's concert this Sat! Whees! =D

Alrights, I have another 6 weeks and 4 days till my new and final school term to start.

So many people I miss right now. Prispris is overseas and my friends. Suddenly felt so purpose-less after SIP. I guess this is what they call being not occupied by things and start to over-think. But, I will be alright soon! Cause I'm gonna see Onew oppa on Sat! =D

When the word 'Worry' should not exist

2011-08-24T22:54:00.002+08:00

When night falls, tonnes of worries keep haunting me. Thoughts like "Ohman, so unmotivated to do my project especially after a long day at work and now, I can't even rest. But I'm only left with a week in the office. What if I don't do well for my MP and SIP?"

Really needed a break! I think my expectations are too high. I really want to attain a good result for my MP because it cost 12 CUs! The thought of it just send me shivers. But if I keep my expectations low, by thinking that every thing was good and acceptable then what if the teachers don't like. Help!! I'm going berserk!

My SIP ends on the 6th instead of 2nd cause I need to pay back my leave. But it's ok, I love working there. (:

I really thank God for putting me in PPD. Initially I was posted to 7-11. I almost went to that place. In my opinion, 7-11 and PPD seems like heaven and hell to me. 7-11 is a scary place, from how I sees it. People back stabbing one another, etc. I know it's not up to me to judge but, I never really like that place. PPD is simpler. Though there are arguments at times, but I'm having fun every day because my colleagues are really nice people. (: I really will miss them when I leave. =|

I shall stay home during the holiday before school term starts. I really need to save money. I had splurge too much. It seems like I didn't save any of my pay. I must really abstain from going out. Shall stay home and do my project and learn more Korean. hehe.

Somehow excited for school to start but once school starts, there's no turning back. Because time flies when I'm schooling. And then it's time to graduate.

Time flies, so I should not worry and commit everything to Father! (: Jiayou!

It doesn't matter anymore

2011-08-14T23:15:00.002+08:00

When 11:11 or 1:11 doesn't mean anything anymore.

When the heart racing and day dreaming syndrome becomes distant.

When your heart die a little inside day by day, losing hope little by little.

When the word 'love' sounds so unfamiliar.

When a wall is built around your heart.

When you stop yourself from day dreaming again because you are afraid of going through the vicious cycle of falling in love and getting your hopes up high and not fighting for it and end up hurting.

I guess it's part of growing up.

I want to experience how love felt like. I want to know how does it feel like with someone thinking of you every single day. With someone so protective of you. But I just can't break through. I just can't fight anymore. I lost my ability to do it anymore.

I guess, I will never experience it. So, stop day dreaming. Wake up.

Feelings

2011-08-08T22:23:00.004+08:00

Feelings, everyday different individuals fight with many different kind of feelings. Some days, some people can be fighting with loneliness, some could be full of hope, some could be seething with anger, and many more. Basically, we can say that feelings and emotions play a big part in our life. In whatever situation we dealt with, different feelings could result in different outcome.

The same goes for words. No amount of words could make another person fully understand the feeling of our own. And sometimes, the feeling is just so indescribable that no words could really mean it. Even if there are words to describe it, it's just a brief one. You can be happy, you can be sad, you can be anything, as long as you control over your own emotions. Never let your emotions rule you.

I'm fighting with many different types of feelings every single day. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just give up. Raise the white flag and tell God, Father, just take me away. Sometimes I will be full of hope, thinking that nothing could break me. But human beings are unpredictable. No one could feel the same for a long period of time.

It's so easy to say, "If you got any problems, you can just come and tell me." Such simple words yet, difficult to fulfill. Trying to find a listening ear yet I could not fight through my own barrier. Try telling certain someone your problem yet they don't give a damn. Because they are just too into themselves. I mean, they do care but, can someone tell me, is this care when you told me the sentence above, and I go and find you, and every time when I say my problem, in between when I'm talking, you are changing topics and doing other things. I believe this is where I fall, expecting too much from people.

I should never measure anyone to Father because I have no right to judge.

So I tell myself, I will be there if anyone needs me. But I can don't tell anyone anything because I know I have my Father.

Feelings change and scars remain. I can't be down forever because this is not the kind of life I want to pursue. There are times when I falter but I know I have to pick myself up.

I had long forgotten how to like someone. The feeling of having a crush is so distant that now I could only profess my love for someone so far away and he will never know. Onew oppa. (:

There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night, out of no reason, that I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose the ability to like someone. Because there are times when I walk out into the streets and I see couple, I feel so disgusted. I don't know why but it feel so surreal. There are people who might feel that I don't know what is love and like because I never really got into a relationship and understand the pain of losing. But what hurts more is, losing someone who is never yours. 到头来，我们总要说再见。但要时时刻刻记得，雨后彩虹就会出现，伤心是一时的，快乐也是一时的，快乐地走出悲伤不是更好的选择吗？(Hopefully my chinese standard is still there. =P)

But i know, this feeling, this love, for Father will always be there. No one can guarantee how long I could go but I know, as long as I live, I want to love everyone and God with all my heart and all my soul. I want to be a all-action people instead of a nothing-but-talk kind of people.

Sorry for the long post because I felt so bottled up. So many things yet, through all these events it just proves to me that the love that Father gave me is so real, sometimes it's just so tangible that I felt the rush of warmth in me. And at the end of the day I just want to look up to the sky and shout, "Amen!". (:

When you start to realise that time is not sparing us...

2011-07-29T23:09:00.002+08:00

I was writing down on a Post-it the things to be done during this weekend. After that, I wrote today's date, 29/7/2011. It was then I realise that another month is passing by again. July is waving goodbye and here comes August. Then 2011 will bid farewell and here comes 2012 and so on and so forth.

SIP is ending soon. Could be in a blink of an eye. My colleagues say they welcome me back to work after I graduate. I felt grateful and scared. Grateful because they welcome me and I really have the intention of going back either as a Project Manager or Property Manager. But worried that, do they say that in a moment of thoughts and will I be able to handle the work load? Because I see how they are always so busy and going out, transportation will prove as one of the obstacle I will face. I need to learn driving and get a car. But, I'm still am not prepared for all these. If I can go to Uni, will I take the path of a Project Manager or Property Manager? I still had not figure all these out. Maybe a Maintenance Manager? My mind is in a mess.

But, the days that follows after my fasting, I felt more assured, of God's loving kindness and unfailing love. I know that I do not have to worry for He is with me. I saw some meaningful things on twitter and I felt that it's very true.

Like;

"You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God."

"I want to be in a place where I have to have God in everything I do . . . where God is indispensable to me." A. W. Tozer"

"When you take things for granted, the things you are granted, get taken." - Phil Hennessy"

So, I should start to get closer and closer to Father day by day. (:

Fast, Pray, Love

2011-07-25T23:22:00.002+08:00

I did a 7am-7pm fast today. I hope that through this fast, I could get close to Father. Because lately, I felt the distant between me and Him. I want to feel His presence in my life again. Indeed, once again, I'm assured. It's not necessary to fast just to want to feel His presence again but this is one of the ways which I want to adopt.

Throughout this 12 hours, Father indeed had sustained me. There was a time when I almost ate a cookie. It was so close. I forgot that I'm fasting and when my colleague offered me a cookie, I wanted to take it but I don't know why, I declined. It was then I realised that I almost broke my fast. Phew.

There were times when I'm hungry but after praying, I felt less hungry and before praying, my stomach was growling. After that, it didn't make anymore noise. haha. (:

I felt very happy after I broke fast at 7pm. No more negative feelings, I felt assured. I felt complete once again. (:

I really want to go to SWC but I know that I should not force things. Just want to commit everything unto God's Hands. Everything will be alright, I believe. (:

On the trip back home on Saturday. The bus was empty, the bus ride was long and I felt peaceful. Then this song played and mess my train of thoughts. It's a nice song but I think I should delete it. I thought I had put it down but in fact, because I had been running, I had never face the truth. I know I can do it.

Must.Hold.On.To.The.Faith. (:

Goodnights! =D

If you look closely

2011-07-18T23:06:00.002+08:00

Had been wanting to blog but always forget. So, before I go to bed, I shall type a little. (:

Today, I'm going to start counting my blessings. A sudden thought today; 'Father had indeed blessed me a lot in many different ways, sometimes I see it, sometimes it just didn't occur to me that it's a blessing.'

In life, there are many things, if I look closely and more in-depth, it's really a way of how God works.

He gave me a loving family, a group of awesome friends, whom I want to keep close in my heart, no matter how long we had already met. People who had come and go in my life. Even till now, I'm still am thankful that Father place me in GB. Because without GB, my life won't be changed on that night of 10 December 2007. (:

So many blessings that I can count. I used to think that love is the most important thing. I think I will die without anyone to love. But then, I was proven wrongly. I don't need to like anyone to survive. Relationships will bring you up but what goes up, will come down. I experienced enough hurts and inflicted enough pain. I don't need anymore of that to bring me down. As much as I wanted to be loved, but I am truly and genuinely happy for being like this. Really.

Sometimes I will feel so good and smile to myself whenever I thought of the fact that I don't need to be responsible for another person. Just me and myself. (:

Life is great now. I'm happy. Spazzing over Onew oppa. hahas. Counting the many blessings that Father had given me.

Sometimes, I just think that maybe I should remain like this forever. Be a nun. hahah. =P

Anyways, time for bed and start counting my blessings from today onwards. (:

If doing my best means indirectly offending others

2011-07-14T23:09:00.002+08:00

Then what will you do?

Oh well, I adopted the as-long-as-my-conscious-is-clear strategy.

This week is a scary week. Not for me though. I'm starting to get use to working at Dairy Farm PPD already. In fact, when I didn't go to work on Tuesday, I felt weird. haha. I can't imagine going back to school again. I somehow dread going back to school already. With projects and other things. haha.

Somehow, Reid that had transferred to my department dread going to work. Because he don't like to do admin work. But somehow, if you don't do admin work, there's nothing for you to do. And he's been caught sleeping many times already. He pissed one of the admin colleague today. And lately his job performance had been observed closely by the admins. Today his supervisor talked to him. And end up, he's more pissed with the admins.

But in this case, it's not that I am siding the admins because they dote on me but because, as a observer, we are interns and we can't choose the job that we want. Admin works are fun. At least it kept me busy throughout the day. Instead of stoning there. Somehow or another, it's good that the admins told his supervisor what happened so that someone will talk some sense into him but apparently, this effort wasn't being paid off. =|

Hmmmms. Last week and this week had been a busy one for me. At least I'm being kept busy. And I started having lunch with them. 他们很疼我. (:

Helping around and just want to help them as much as I could. Daily collecting of mails is in my job scope now too. =D hehe. Collecting letters is fun.

Lately, my colleague asked my friend not to bully me and throw all the work for me to do. He's pissed off. When I heard this news, I felt bad because I had indirectly offended someone. I felt helpless too. I just want to help and try and finish up the work as fast as possible. And I did those works willingly.

Therefore, I concluded that, as long as I don't gossip or say something bad behind my friends' back, my conscious is clear, I have nothing to fear.

Father is here and I am not afraid. =D

If I give you a box of hope, will you in exchange give me concert ticket?

2011-07-11T23:00:00.004+08:00

Ohgosh ohgosh. I'm experiencing adrenaline rush at this hour. haha. Just saw the news about SHINee coming to Singapore in September. It may be nothing to people who don't know or don't like kpop, but it meant something to me. haha. Because Onew oppa is coming to Singapore. The feeling when I first read the news in xinmsn, my heart was thumping fast and I began to speed read that when I read the news again the second time, I realised that I missed out quite a number of informations. The feeling was scary. I never experienced it before. But the ticket is too expensive. $138, $168 and $218. And there's only 6000 tickets. My chances are slim. 1 out of 6000. And when I saw the news, I got so excited that I felt as though I'm going to meet my future husband. haha.

Wanted so much to see Onew oppa up close and personal. But I think it's a dream that is too impossible. I guess, I shall be a silent supporter. Able to see him in videos and fancam is enough for me. Haha.

To say the truth, I will always day dream that we will meet one day and start a family. haha! Anyone who likes an idol, will think of such things. But guess it's only day dreaming. But I know I must control myself. Because I might end up going the wrong path. I should not put anyone before God. God is always my priority. No one can replace Him. So, I must control myself. Must pray that I tame myself properly.

September 10. Onew Oppa, and SHINee oppas, Hwaiting! (:

Big bear, small bear, medium bear, bears!

2011-07-05T22:40:00.003+08:00

Anyone love bears? Well, I myself love bears A-LOT. (:

These few nights whenever I am out running errand, I will see this push cart near Prime Mart with full of bears hanging around it. Somehow, it brightens the area. The funny thing is, the boss of the push cart, is a guy. A guy around mid 40? Every time I see him, I will feel sad for him. I don't know why. I will feel that, behind him, there's a sad story he has to tell.

Every time I walked past his cart, I will have the urge to pull out my wallet and get myself a bear. Because they are all so adorable! =D But I know, I will get scolding if I were to do that. So I will walk by his cart and filled with envy. I could only see and not own them.

I hope his shop will always go on and not fold. At least when I walk by, my mood will be lit up from that moment on.

From young, there's always this ambition that people will have. Like become a doctor, a lawyer when they grow up. But many a times, who can stick through their ambitions till they grow up? I have many ambitions when I was young. But I guess, none of them are going to happen because I might end up as a Facility Manager or something else. But this dream, I will never forget. Till now, I still harbour this thought. I want to own as many bears as I could, from many parts of the earth. I want to build a room or house filled with teddy bears. That will be my bear paradise. =D Or rather, when I am independent enough, every month I will buy a bear and donate it. Bringing joy to others. (:

To say the truth, I still hug a bear when I go to bed every night. (:

Alrights. Tonnes of things to do in the office tmr. But first, site visit comes first. (:

Be the star of your own life

2011-07-03T23:08:00.002+08:00

I finally understand what is it like to work through the weekend. Rushing Revit and doing daily and weekly updates for my supervisor. But at least, my knowledge is growing. =D I'm tuned to look at Property news whenever I am reading the newspaper.

I will try and update this blog as often as I could. (:

I was watching the last episode of C.L.I.F on Tuesday and I suddenly discard the idea of wanting to become a police. Cause during emergency time, you might have to be on duty on your own. And especially times like you're alone in the vacant hotel. Every step you take is a gamble. I think if it's me, I will be scared stiff. haha.

I had somehow come to a conclusion that, in life, in whatever you do, you can be a star in it. It's how much effort you put in and also, our mindset. If I want to ace in studies, I have to work extra hard to ace the exams and projects and not procrastinate and wait for the results to do the work on its own.

Therefore, with a correct mindset and motivation, I will go forth in every day of my life, wanting to accomplish something. At least, I'm answerable to myself. (:

Time for bed! =D

P.S. My SHINee Japan Premium album is here! hehe. The admin will send it to me and I will get it latest this week! *Squeals* hehe. =D

The urge to fly

2011-06-25T14:08:00.003+08:00

I had been saving up recently. I'm trying to tighten my expenses. I'm saving on lunch by bringing my own bread to work. Because I want to travel to Seoul. I think the reason why I want to go to Seoul is because, I want to really expand my view of this Earth. See and feel the various parts of Earth as much as I could. The reason of wanting to see Korean pop idols, are small. They do contribute to why I want to go to Seoul but it plays a minimal part. I never travel before and I never thought of wanting to leave Singapore, even for a short trip but I guess, as one grows up, one wants to broaden their own knowledge of this place call Mother Earth. And it just so happen that, Seoul is the first country which I want to go to. (:

I had been wanting to find someone to go with me. I thought of Sharon, but then she say it will take her a while to go. So I reckon we will be going together this time round.

But I think, reality is something I have to cope with. Many people asked me, where do I want to go after graduating from Poly? The answer is, I don't know it myself. Of course, I want to go to Uni. But to pick the course which really interests me, is tough. What I want, I also don't know. I even thought that, joining the army will be good. haha.

After a talk with my colleague that day, I learnt a lot of things from him. He's leaving next month to join the Property line. He says, life's a gamble, whether will you make a right choice, it's a risk. And also, there's a distinct difference in working hard and working smart. Internship is just 5% of what we taste in real working society. Whereby tables turn and you are on your own.

I don't know will I make it big but I know, I will stand true to the decisions I make as I know, my Father will guide me along. I want to give my family a good life, I want my parents to stop slogging their guts out for life. I want them to stop and enjoy life and the only way to make them enjoy, I have to work hard. I want to make them proud. And I believe, with this pressure, I will work harder. (:

화이팅!

빛나는 샤이니

2011-06-22T23:01:00.003+08:00

Ola~ This is the 9th week of SIP, 10 more weeks to go. The 10 weeks will zoom by once again and it's back to projects and assignments again. This time round, I will work harder. Because of my slacking habit, I didn't make it to the Director's list this time round. But I'm not despair because I know I deserve this. I didn't put in the effort I should. But I'm disappointed with myself because I didn't manage to make my parents proud of me. Though they say it's ok, but I am still disappointed with myself.

But life's not a smooth sailing one, I'm thankful to Father that He let me go through the ups and downs of life, not alone, but with Him.

For the past few weeks, it's been a roller coaster ride but I had gone through it with a heart full of praise and gratitude to Daddy God.

He makes me stand firm on my belief and to set an example to my peers. During my daily reading, I came across this Psalms. (I'm at Psalms now.)

It's from Psalms 15; my life motto for now,

"He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellow man, who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the Lord, who keeps his oath even when it hurts, who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

He who does these things will never be shaken."

This is just one of the many things I have to abide. I will do my best and be the best person I could. Though I may fall at times but I know, with a prayer, things will be alright again. (:

Alrights, time for bed! =D

Happy days, Happy life

2011-06-16T23:04:00.002+08:00

Annyeong! I could only use one word to describe the dinner just now. Awesome. =D

It's been a while since the 5 of us had sat down together and have dinner together. (:

Work has been fine. I will cherish the time in the office. (:

Wind is picking up in my room, I guess it's gonna rain soon.

Though I say I'm cherishing the moment now, but there should be a time when I plan for my future. I don't know. Dad's wish for me is to go to Uni after Poly. He don't wish for me to have a break in between to go for work. I don't know. I'm ok with both. But the problem is, I don't know which course will I take interest in. I should really start taking notice of the various courses already and should study harder. Hopefully nothing's too late for now.

Had quite a few encounters with babies today. Especially when my colleague brought her baby girl in today. She's such a dear. So cute. =D

Suddenly I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Cause I thought of, maybe in a couple of years time, I will have a family and have a baby. Then I thought of who will my husband be. haha! I hope by then, I will experience what true love means.

For now, I will focus on studies because I know, whoever will be in my life next time, my Heavenly Father will plan for me. And I have faith in Him that everything will be alright. (:

As for now, I want someone who is a man after God's heart and also someone like Onew oppa. =D

Why him? Well, he got a nice smile. (I love guys with nice and warm smile.) =D And when he smile, I don't know why, I will smile together with him. (:

He got a warm and gentle character. He cares for others, even those he don't really know. He put others first.

He got responsibility and also, hardworking.

He respect others, especially people who are senior than him.

He is filial.

He's funny. He makes me happy. haha!

I just like him just the way he is.

I hope he will find a nice girl. (:

Oh! And lastly, his voice. He has got a unique voice and he sings well. (:

Everything will be double ohhh-kay.

2011-06-15T22:43:00.003+08:00

Annyeong~ Currently downloading Revit Architecture software. Priya and I were too bored today and we decided that we should start working on our project. Hopefully everything we do are not in vain and of use.

Gonna be more serious in the things I'm doing. Projects, healthy lifestyle, learning third language which is obviously, Korean. (:

I want to make full use of my life. Live like there's no tomorrow. Motto for now. (:

Alrights! Time for bed after downloading the software. Which I foresee, an hour more to go. Meanwhile, during this hour, tumblr time and also youtube hopping time. =D

Ikea dinner tomorrow with Jiejie, Prispris, Sharon and Evon! =D

Meatballs! =D

Big bear, Small bear

2011-06-09T22:44:00.004+08:00

Just like the small bear, I feel so small now. There's something weighing me. I felt the burden. I felt my heart telling me, "It's time to pray!"

Indeed, I really need to pray. Ever since I became a child of God, I had always been relying on prayers. Because I know that my Father heard me. And knowing that, I feel rest assured.

I like working but then, not being able to blend in as part of the department is so hard to continue each day. There's just this barrier that I need to overcome. Knowing the fact that they are older than me, I will have the tendency to be not me in front of them. I will be all uncomfortable and this feeling is like, having guys around me. I feel uncomfortable with guys around.

I don't understand how certain people can be so close to their colleagues whereby they can joke around. But because of the age difference, I felt there's a need to be all proper and quiet around them. I told my friend who is encountering the same problem as me to not to worry, let nature take its course, but it's easy to tell her, but difficult for me to execute it. But I don't want to let her know how I feel because I'm afraid of demoralising her. So I'm putting up a front.

Another matter is, bible study group. I might not be able to continue with Jami anymore. =( That's the saddest part. I am so used to meeting Jami every week for the past 2-3 years and now, I have to bid goodbye to her. She say it's good for my growth to join people of my age group for bible study. She say I will have to get use to it because it's a transition period. Change! Why must you be here? =(

I will pray about it and I know God will guide me through this period! I know He will! (:

I must lift up my feelings. I have targets to reach for tmr! Got to finish doing the 4 items on my to-do list!

Hwaiting! (:

Let's have a little catch up

2011-06-04T21:46:00.003+08:00

Felt really happy today because finally, after some months, I finally am able to see Jami sister and also prispris. =D

Had a great fellowship with them today. Now, I know why Father emphasizes so much on fellowship because it's also one way to not only boost my relationship with my friends, but also with Him as well. I love how we can sit down for hours just to catch up and also reminiscence about the past. About time in GB, about growing up and upcoming future things. Like what prispris says, the way God plan things are so cute. haha. He has His way of planning things and I'm thankful for that. Really.

I don't need any bgf relationships to motivate me on. Because I know that, Father always love me for who I am and He shows His love through my friends too. The concerns that they gave and their companionship through harsh periods. Makes me really strong and motivates me on. Thank you Father.

I will not pray with just my mind but also, I will put in my heart. There was one day when I came to realise, I haven't been praying so earnestly every night and day. Because I always doze off in the middle of the prayer and I don't find myself sincere at all. Then suddenly, this string of words came into my mind, prayers need not have big words, sometimes, small and easy words will make a powerful prayer. I will continue to pray for myself and also for my friends and family.

Throughout my whole 18 years, there are times of folly, times of stupidity, times of anguish, etc. But today, I want to be a girl after God's heart, a girl that when I go and see Him, He will pat my head and say, well done my dear daughter. From today onwards, in whatever I do, I will further improve myself. To be a better person, to commit everything unto God's hands. I know I can do it. The main thing is, to break down the barrier I had with that particular person, I don't hate her. I don't dislike her. Just felt that I need to keep my distance. But Father taught me to love everyone. I will obey Him and I know it takes time. But I know, one day I will succeed. Because everything is possible with Him.

One last thing to share before I go off. One passage I read from Daily Bread, this paragraph, motivates me.

In word: Young people who make a difference for Christ control what they say, avoid negative talk, and speak words that honor God. In conduct: Teens who practice discretion in their behavior shine for all the world to see. In love: By taking heed of Jesus’ words to love God and their neighbor (Matthew 22: 37-39) teens please Jesus and touch hearts. In faith: Those who put their faith into action change lives. In purity: It’s tough to be morally pure and doctrinally sound, but kids who are can set the bar for the rest of us.

Paul’s words aren’t just for the young generation. All of us should be an example in word, conduct, love, faith, and purity. That’s how we make an impact for Christ.

Feeling bad

2011-05-29T00:30:00.003+08:00

What's with this feeling of guilt? Somehow, I just felt the burden and stress and guilt coming in every Saturday night. I think mainly because I always convince myself to not go to church the next day. When, I say I must discipline myself to go every week. So far, it's been 3 weeks since I last went to church. And if I don't go tomorrow, it will be a month.

I guess, I needed time to really cool down and really prioritize the things in my life and really pump in more discipline. I like going to church because it's where I feel the most hyped up and where I learn and grow spiritually. I definitely don't want to change church because it's where I had learn my foundation and I'm used to it already. But because I felt the burden of concerns. Overly concerns. From Ms Chiam and Jami. Because if I don't go to church, they will ask me why and I will feel all guilty and ashamed to say out the reason. Because I'm tired, I can't wake up. Father is my everything, He's the reason why I'm still moving on. Yet, because of one small reason, I'm tired, and I don't go to church. I'm happy that they concern about me and ask why because at least I know they care. I hope I can faster talk more sense to myself and re-commit myself back to the things which I'm suppose to.

Father, I'm sorry. Please give me more time. Just one more week to sort out my thoughts. I'm really sorry. :(

Just one more week. I will be free from self tortures. Because she's starting to talk more like him. And she will somehow mention him and whenever during meeting, somehow his name will be heard. I will not let him affect me anymore. Neither does she. I'm not going to let her affect me anymore. Just hope she will stop talking like him. :(

The waking moment

2011-05-27T23:14:00.002+08:00

It's Friday again. 5th week is gone and here comes the 6th. This week was fun. Went around for site visiting with Projects department colleagues. I like going out with them. haha. But they treated us as little girls. We are not that little but our age gaps are not really that much. They are about average 30 plus years old.

Next week will be June! It's so fast! I hope to go back and work in the Property and Projects department after internship! Hopefully they still wants me back. =P

Had been trying to adapt my body system to the sleeping timing. 11.30pm-6.30am. 7hours of sleep! (:

Hmmmmms. This morning ain't good. I woke up breaking in cold sweat. A nightmare I suppose. As I get older, I don't believe in those "Dreams are opposite of reality" stuff. Because I believe that it's like before we go to bed, the things we had been thinking of the whole day, comes popping into our dreamland.

Hmmmmms. A nightmare that woke me up, both from reality and sleep, reminding me that he's not going to be there for me anymore.

Rather sad but I know I'm moving on! =D Things may be different now but I know Father has His plans. (:

So, change is the only constant thing in this world eh?

2011-05-19T20:39:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow marks the end of the 4th week of SIP. 1 month flew by so quickly. Then 2nd September will come and we are out of the company. Felt quite sad about it because I really enjoy working there. I really hope time will go by slower but the thing is, time is always the same, neither fast nor slow. But then, I'm going to cherish the time in office. (:

Short post to keep this blog alive. (:

Going for camp tomorrow! (:

When the heart should listen to the mind, just this time

2011-05-17T17:14:00.002+08:00

I'm alright. I'm alright. That's what my mind had been repeatedly reminding myself for the past few days. Maybe because I had psycho-ed myself too much that my reactions went slow and I could feel nothing until hours later.

This is the last time I'm going to blog about this matter anymore. I will bury everything relating to this matter deep down and never bring it up anymore.

I know she cares about me and as a friend, I should not let her know how pain the pain is, I don't want her to apologise to me anymore. Friends shouldn't always say sorry to each other right? And like what I said, this is not your fault. No one can force him to make a choice. It's a choice completely made by him, himself.

Went out with her today. Things were the same, we had fun, but somehow the feelings, my feeling especially, is different. I felt weird when we spoke about that matter. But apart from that, I'm alright. I'm really am alright. Thank you for being frank with me. (:

He could give up his rest today and ask you out, it meant that he really treats you and regards you as someone important to him. Maybe my dream might just come true. There was once when I dreamt that the two of you getting married. Too far away from now but it might just happen.

For now, I just want to feel nothing. I just want to forget whatever that has happened between me and him. Every single thing. I had deleted his texts that I had kept. Now, I just want to delete my feelings for him. I can do it. I just want to feel the love that Father has been giving me.

Turning the frown into a smile

2011-05-14T23:44:00.003+08:00

I have to learn that. Letting go.

Recently, I had been advising one friend of mine who is facing problems at her workplace. I told her, instead of thinking the negatives, why not try and find at least one thing to be happy about and give thanks? Through this way, you will be more happy and you won't develop dislikes to that particular person any further.

Then it struck me that, I had been so focused on those broken pieces that I never look up and look at things around me. I should walk the talk and practice what I had said. There are so many things in life that I am grateful of right now in my life, like I have friends who loves me. I have a loving sister-in-christ, prispris, to cheer me on. I have my family whom which didn't know what happened. I am so focused on that little setback that my world just stop spinning for a moment. It's time to set myself operating again. I should not disappoint those who loves me.

I hate no one, nor do I dislike anyone. I just hope to be able to treat them better than now. I want to be a better person.

Those little setbacks in life are parts and parcels of life, and I'm still learning while growing up. I know that everything will be alright with my Heavenly Father.

I'll be back to normal soon! (: Give me a little time and I will be back, brand new.

As the old adage says, "When life gives you lemon, make yourself a cup of lemonade." (:

是时候捡起那颗支离破碎的心，那些不愉快的过往，勇敢地往前走。

Everything

2011-05-14T00:34:00.002+08:00

I can't look at you without forgetting what had happened. Things had changed so much that now, I can't look you straight in the face. Every time I will catch myself looking at you, thinking and feeling inferior. My thoughts these few days were,

ya, she's prettier than me. She's lively and bubbly and active, of course everyone will choose her. And also, she's better than me in every way.

When friendship turns this way, it's just not the way it should be. I should fix this situation. I may be running away from problems now. But I guess, I needed time to settle myself down.

The problem lies with me.

I'm alright

2011-05-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

Should do a quick post before heading for bed. Work had been great. I'm slowly fitting in, into my department. Though I still don't joke around with my colleagues, but still, those moments when we exchange smiles, is enough. I hope we can be more of friend than just being colleagues. I will work hard to be a part of my department. (:

So tired. But yet, I feel fulfilled. I don't have to think of things which I don't want to think of, though the matter is stuck in my mind almost 80% of my waking hours. But I had managed to convinced myself that, this is a small matter. I don't have to get all sad and depressed about it. Though felt a little down but I know that, I will brave through this trial.

I don't blame anyone but myself.

That's it then. I should head for bed now. I don't know what I'm talking about now. haha.

虽然输了，我输得心甘情愿。

虽然输了，我不怨任何人。

虽然输了，我学会了宽容。

虽然输了，我也只能算了。

我每天祈祷着，希望每天能过得快乐一点，充实一点。我相信自己可以很快乐。

话，一天比一天越说越少。这才发现以前的我，说的话太多了。现在说话也变成另外一种需要。为了说话而说话。我能走出这段不愉快的往事，我一定可以。可是，请给我多一点时间，慢慢克服这些障碍。

It's ok if I'm hurt

2011-05-10T00:29:00.002+08:00

Decided to private this blog. Because I find that, I want to do that. In a way, whereby I'm expressing my feelings out but not making it known to anyone. I wanted to talk to someone about it. I found someone. And really thank him, I somehow felt better. But the feelings in me, still bottled up, not releasing. I still feel really hurt, felt like a fool.

I always thought that if I genuinely treat someone nice and quietly cares about him without him knowing, someday, something good might just happen. But I'm wrong, that is what will happen in stories, in movies, in fairytales. But it's the reality that I'm living in right now. You will lose the guy you like, if you are not courageous enough to confess. And the worse thing? Him falling for your best friend and it suddenly dawns to you that, you had always been an obstacle to them. Foolish me, still thought that I may stand a chance.

Why makes me feel so special by telling me that you really want to hear my voice in times of despair when all you will do is just giving me false hope? I'm too naive. Very naive. Guys are jerks. That's the first time I had ever mentioned it. But yes, guys are jerks. Some are, not all.

I had been pondering lately, would you choose someone who loves you or choose the one you love? Watching the recent 9pm show, I wanted someone whom I like but loves me. Maybe that's too much to ask.

All in all, I just want to say, it's ok if I'm hurt. I will take things one step at a time. Let nature takes its course. Since the two of you are in love, love will find its way to the two of you. I give you my blessings. Just hope, if one day the two of you are together, I will be able to face you two without feeling any pain.

No one can understand the feeling everyone feels. So I believe, no one can truly understand how I felt. Only You, Father. Only You.

The reason why I will cry is because I'm glad that I still have You at the end of the day, even though I don't deserve Your great love.

Sunny days, rainy days, thunderstorms, I will brave through them

2011-05-09T01:17:00.003+08:00

2nd week of SIP is over. Now comes the third. Then will come the fourth and so on. 85 more days till internship ends. I don't know whether will I miss working there. But Mr. Derren, my supervisor, I think I will miss him cause he's a uber nice guy. (:

Internship for the past 2 weeks had never been exciting or nice. But rather, it was exhaustive, energy sapping, sad, and disappointment.

I'm ok with work, whereby just that I need to be more sociable. Need to build my relationship with my colleagues and I need to be more of a initiative person. I have to go and approach my colleagues instead of them coming to me. I must do well for MPSIP. (:

Disappointing in a sense whereby, I recall the time when I'm worried I can't work together with my friends. But then, everything was alright, smooth sailing, until the past 2 weeks. I rather not work with them and miss them than everyday I could see them yet don't interact at all. There's no conflict, but just that, because we are all working in the different department and they have their stories to share and they have new classmates to interact and joke with, I felt casted away. I felt out of place, awkward and sadly, lonely. I keep telling myself that it's alright but no, it's not at all. But then, I paused and look back. I can't be so demanding as to ask my friends to give me their attention, I should be glad that I still can see them, have lunch with them. I should be less selfish and be more selfless. Therefore, I told myself, I can't be so selfish. Must abandon my ego-ness and start to be more generous.

I can do it. (:

Because I have Father. That's all that matters.

No doubt I miss school, I miss hanging out with my friends. But I know that this phase of life is something I must go through. Once it's over, I can't take back. So I must cherish this working experience, then when school time is back, I will continue to cherish the time I had with my friends. (:

Therefore, whether is it sunny days, rainy days, thunderstorm, I will brave through them. (:

It's been awhile

2011-05-01T18:24:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I had last updated this site. Had been away for internship. On the first day of work, I had so many realisations and I dreaded going to work. For example, I cherish school even more. I love going to school and study and after going for attachment, I find that school is so much better cause working life don't really appeal to me now. It's the opposite of school. Also, I understand why we must rejoice when Friday is here because the long awaited weekend is here! I used to dread Fridays cause I won't be able to go to school, but now, Friday is like the best day of the week. =D

Then, I also realise that why people will be so no life after working. Cause most of their day time is spent in the office and when it's time to knock off, it's 6pm and you have only 6pm - bedtime to do our own stuff. Those few hours are very very important. But there's limited things that we can do cause it's so tiring that you are drained and you just feel like sleeping. haha!

But nonetheless, I'm still trying to adapt. I'm really thankful to Father that my supervisor is a great mentor to me and I could learn new things under him. Also, thank you that tomorrow is holiday! No school! haha. =D

I'm happy that I'm keeping up to my promise. I'm going to church every Sunday. Today is the 2nd week and I shall keep up this promise! =D

Long awaiting

2011-04-19T14:26:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Probably because I had sent my laptop for repair awhile ago. I think last week. Somehow, my laptop had some parts corrupted thus the technician had to delete every single informations in my laptop. Now, it's like a brand new laptop. Still trying to recover the photos and videos which I had saved in the past.

Anyways, know my SIP result already. I think I will give thanks instead of being sad that I am not with my friends. But the fact that I am in the same company as my partners is something worth happy about. My job scope is to do project management and my worst subject is project management!! haha. Here's what my job scope is about,

Vanessa and Priyalatha will be attached to the Property and Projects Department. Your job scope is to participate in retail site sourcing and assist in project management of retail stores undergoing renovation. You will be partnering the 7-Eleven team to source for new sites and also be given hands-on experience to project manage the renovation for at least one 7-Eleven store. You will be exposed to the work processes of retail site sourcing and to provide hands-on experience on project management.

What do you think? I felt stressed about it because I know nothing about it. But somehow I felt blessed because I will have experience in doing this job the next time when I hit society. haha.

Ohwell, Wish me luck! (:

Thank you Father for everything! =D

Comparison

2011-04-09T00:59:00.002+08:00

Annyeong~ =D
Life had been great lately! I'm enjoying my life! Looking forward to every single day! Every day is a new day, a new beginning. Staying happy is the best thing ever. I really thank God for this! Compare now and the past when everyday is a dread to move on, I really wonder why will I feel so lousy in the past. But somehow, I think, everyone has their ups and downs. Just that now, it's my ups! haha. Hope this up will stay longer. But nonetheless, if I'm experiencing my down, I should face it with a happy mindset! (: I have God, He gave me my family, He gave me my friends! That's enough! hehe.

Had just went for a Tumblr spree! hehe. Following lots of people. haha! =P

After the visit to HMV with Enni excuse me yesterday, I think that, if I can, I want to use my pay every month to get something I like. You may find me silly or impulsive, but I hope I could buy CDs. SNSD's, CN Blue's and Shinee's! haha. Recently I had added shinee to my Kpop list. hehe. =P Onew~ haha. =D

Alrights, shall head for bed now! =D

I'm waiting for 18th April to come, hopefully I could know my SIP result soon. Hopefully it's good news!!! =D

안녕히 주무십시요! (annyeonghi jumusibsiyo - Goodnight!)

Let's hook pinkies

2011-04-07T00:18:00.003+08:00

Sijin ahyi, Sharon bb and Evon monster went for their Mentor Training Camp also known as MTC. Somehow, I regretted not going interview with them, maybe I will be having fun in the camp now. But somehow, there's this mentality that keeps reminding why I don't want to go for the interview in the first place. The fact that I never like camps. haha. Poly camps were somehow better because of the freedom but I'm a nerd, I love staying at home. Therefore the idea of camp never appeal to me. But going camp with friends is a fun thing. haha.

End of inner conflict with myself, full stop. haha.

Stayed home today. Had been on youtube. hehe. Had been watching Shinee's Hello Baby. Onew makes me love chicken. haha! I feel like eating chicken now. =P

Other than that, I had been hopping around Youtube, watching variety shows with SNSD in it. There's still many more which I still hasn't watch.

Going to work tomorrow. It's a 2 days job at Suntec. Earn a little money for SIP.

Talking about SIP. Asked the teacher in-charge if I could know my result, he rejected. ='(

I was cool about it though cause results will be out in a week's time. I can wait.

But then slowly, friends around me started to know and makes me so tense about it. I'm worried about which company to go, who I'm going with. I don't want to split, definitely.

But one thing I'm glad is that, whenever I'm scared or worried, I can cast my worries and everything to God. Committing everything to Him. I should not worry!!!

Told bb that, if it's meant to be, we will be together but if not, we should not despair too. Let's just pray hard that we will be together and that let's promise each other to do our best no matter what happens! (:

All better

2011-04-02T00:13:00.002+08:00

I'm embarking on a brand new journey. A happy one. After contemplating for a few days, I had decided to let go of the burdens which had been pulling me down.

Definitely, without God's help, I will be nothing. And really thank you Prispris. =D

Prispris is considered one of my rarest friend in a sense that, she is one of the few of my friends who are christians. And when one is down, nothing beats being comforted by God's Word. And I'm glad I had her, because we can encourage one another with God's Word, spurring one another on during this life journey walk with God. And I find it more easier to quote God's word to encourage others than using my own words. Usually are those standard lines, "You can do it de, jiayou jiayou!" etc. haha.

Because I give up what had been constantly hurting me and spoiling my life, I felt nothing but peacefulness. I felt the joy in giving up something which had been hurting me everyday. Letting go does not mean something bad but it may be something good and joyful. It's how you see things. So far, I had let go quite a number of things, I never regretted. Because those love, I don't expect them to be reciprocated and that, letting go is a wiser choice.

So for now, don't have to worry we will fall for the same person, I give up. I decided to back away. At least I know that, it won't hurt so much. Even though I say that it won't hurt so much, but you only see the superficial side of me. No one really understands each individual's pain. Everyone's experience are different. But this is the best I could do. Wish you two the best. (:

We are still too young to experience what true love mean between human beings. That may happen to people but it's of very rare cases. So for now, I give up humane love between a guy and a girl, I prefer to stay under God's tender love and care, at least I know that is one place which I really belong and also I know that God will always love me. No matter who I am. He knows and understands me inside and out and for who I am. (:

Had been reading a book, called 90 minutes in Heaven. Something which I learnt today. It's that, We don't let go of pain and hurt. We grow on it. To be stronger as before. Pain and hurt don't leave us but when we grow on it, we will be different.

Lies

2011-03-29T00:22:00.002+08:00

I thought everything will be alright after I give up. I thought it will hurt less after giving in. In the end, when I get to know more things, or rather, accidentally found out some things, the pain doubled. Excruciating. I think I will feel no pain only when I truly let go.

But now, I still flinched when your name is mentioned or the term which I addressed you. It's so common that I will get to hear it so often. I miss you so terribly. I really do. But it just pains me when I know that it's the opposite for you.

I wanted to talk to someone about it. I had someone on my mind as to who to tell. But, how do I go about saying it to truly express my thoughts? And will that person even care?

Upgrades

2011-03-28T00:27:00.003+08:00

Not going to let myself remain status quo. Gonna do some things to keep myself in tip-top shape before another round of school/work. Internship is starting in less than a month! I should grab this holiday to do something meaningful. I know, it's seems too late to make a difference but, it's not too late as yet. I still have more than 20 days. (:

Borrowed books at Tampines Regional Library on Saturday. A book to keep myself growing spiritually, a book to keep myself growing mentally (novels), a book to keep myself growing (self improvement genre books) and a CD to learn Korean! haha. =D

Borrowed the CD, Korean for Dummies, the shelf stated that there's accompanying titles. I'm still wondering what is that but did not ask the librarian. Hmmmms. I hope it's a book cause without any books, just listening to the person blabbering away, there's no way I could catch anything. haha! =P

Going to start jogging every morning around neighbourhood. Though it's somehow too late but I'm gonna prepare myself for the NAPFA! haha. =D

Intern is coming and I really hope, my group don't split up cause everyone whom I had talked to say there's a possibility that we will, and it's of high possibility. =(

But nonetheless, not gonna keep this worry bugging me. I should take one step at a time. For now, I should head for bed now! =D

Tomorrow will be a better day! =D

Another psychological fact I had stumbled across today, "When the someone is thinking of a person, that person is also thinking of that someone." Wonder if it's true. But, it does not really concern me anymore now though. =/

Next Top Model

2011-03-24T00:09:00.004+08:00

Just finished watching Australia's Next Top Model Series 5 on Star World. Had been catching it recently. It was a very inspiring show. Cause those girls had this passion of being a model when they grow up and they worked towards it. It's telling me that I should work towards my goals too. Life is too short to waste it. (:

She is the winner for series 5's Australia's Next Top Model. She is my favourite and she won. I felt very happy for her. She's Tahnee Atkinson. She's only 17 years old. haha. I love how her blue eyes matches with her brown hair color. (:

More pictures of her to end this post! Some pictures during the competition. (:

You can go google search for her photos! haha. Or even watch Australia's Next Top Model Series 5 for her journey to being Australia's Next Top Model! haha. =D

Next one showing tomorrow night at the same time slot will be Britain's Next Top Model. haha. =D

Memories that needs no memorisation

2011-03-19T00:13:00.003+08:00

Had meeting in the morning so did not go to grandma's house with mom, dad and benben.

Took bus 15 from TP to Tampines MRT Station then to Lavender Mrt station then took bus 145 to grandma's house. This is the first time I went to grandma's house alone and taking public transport. A new experience and a nice one too.

Because grandma stays in Balestier. It's somehow different from Tampines whereby the ageing population there is so much higher than here. So I somehow categorise grandma's house as those rather laid back area as compared to the other areas which are more fast paced, etc. You won't see kids with Gameboy Advanced running around in the neighborhood, just mini bikes and toy cars.

But my point is, after alighting from bus 145, I walked to grandma's house. The short walk reminds me of my younger times. I grew up at grandma's house. I spend most of my toddler years over there, of which I can say, everyday is something new. Going down to have fun at the playground with my cousins, going over to grandma's yong tau foo stall and help out, etc. Ahhh. Memories. These are memories which you won't forget and definitely needs no memorisation. (:

I miss staying with grandma. I miss her. Every time I see her, she just gives me this warm fuzzy feeling. =D

Also, the walk over there makes me feel like some backpacker, walking in a relax and slow paced country whereby their trouble everyday is to worry about what they should do for the day. Makes me feel like escaping to a country where no one can find me and of which I can relax my mind and give my heart a rest.

One day, I shall do that. (:

The problem with saying out those negative thoughts I had is that I feel selfish for restricting people. I don't want to, because of my feelings, others have to change and accommodate and be sensitive towards my feeling. I don't want that. I just want them to be who they are.

The path I'm taking now is going to be a treacherous one. It's a path I had picked. Should I fall some day, I know I will learn to pick myself up. Not on my own ability but with my Heavenly Father cheering me on. =D

从今天起，我必须习惯过着没有你的日子。虽然艰辛，虽然不舍，可是我一定要靠自己走下去。

Lost and Found

2011-03-17T14:57:00.002+08:00

I had been lost and now I think I had found back myself. It's not on my own that I had found myself back but through the power of Christ. (:

No words can express my gratitude for him. The love He gave me was more than enough, more than anything in this world. Nothing can ever replace Him in my life. (:

I'm glad. Because I was lost and now am found.

I don't need anything to make me happy. I don't need the tangibles. God's love is sufficient.

Am at my breaking point last night. I thought that I could no longer hold on anymore. Indeed, I can't. I feel like dying. Feel that this is the end of everything. Everything is just crap. Nothing is going to be right again. I lost myself. I prayed, prayed till I broke down and hope that Father could just take me away. But this morning, I woke up, with a heart overflowing with warmth. A heart full of love from Father. He gave me directions, he guided me through the night. He guided me through everything. Last night was really a bad one. Plus my immune system failed me. Sick. Vulnerable. Breaking down.

Though I'm still sick but at least, He makes me open my eyes and see. Things don't go my way doesn't mean it's the end. There are still other alternatives in my life. Even if it means letting go of the thing that is hurting me. That guy and that girl (I don't feel like mentioning names), had been making my life hell. Never felt this way but, I can say, thanks to them, I had lived a brand new experience life for the past months. This moment can be so happy, next will be hurtful and teary nights. Just like a roller coaster ride. I don't hate them but am grateful to them that I found back myself. I don't need him anymore. Though I still like him but yet, Father had showed me that, now is not the time. I'm still not mature enough. There are still many things in life than to just falling in love with some guy. And getting myself jealous over it.

He still mean something to me but I guess I should keep my distant. Nothing ever was the same after the incident.

Nonetheless, I think this is lesson learnt. Once again, Father had found me when I'm lost. (:

I really want to shout this out of my window! "AMEN!" haha! =D

Result is released today. Thank you Father! I'm back in the 3.5 range. Though the result is not that good but still I will work harder! =D

Pretending

2011-03-15T00:07:00.003+08:00

Just pretending to be something I can't be.

Just pretending to be happy when I could see what is going on around me.

Just pretending to put on that smile, when I know it's not suppose to be.

Just pretending to be strong, when the heart is crushed and all shattered.

Just pretending, pretending to be someone I'm not.

Things just ain't the same anymore. I can't live on with this guilt. I can back away if you want, just to make things right again.

4 months, there's already quite a number of tearful nights, heart shattering moments. I guess, you're just not the one.

Maybe, just remain as friends will be the wisest choice I could ever make. Who knows? Life is never predictable and easy.

At least, I don't have to pretend anymore.

Just... Don't be too good to me. I might think otherwise. My thoughts will go wild.

So I guess, this is goodbye...

Holidays~

2011-03-11T16:56:00.002+08:00

Holidays Holidays Holidays~

I'm happily using the lappy and watching shows as though there's nothing in the world is stopping me. Well, nothing is stopping me. hehe. =D

Finished watching M.Net's Girls Goes to School. It shows the beginning of SNSD also known as Girls' Generation. Many may not like them, think that they are plastics or not as good. But your thoughts won't affect me. They are the best from what I see. Neither your thoughts nor my thoughts are affecting one another, so, I shall continue and love SNSD while you live your life. hehe. =D

Also, watched another episode of Glee. hehe.

Holidays are getting better. Staying at home, going to the market with mom. Watch shows and reading a book. Though mundane, yet I love it. =D

5th anniversary is coming up soon! =D Hopefully everything goes well~

Also, felt a little tired being in MC. Feel like quitting but I will go on. Stay strong. I will do my best. I don't see it as an opportunity of being a higher rank than my peers but a chance for me to grow. To take up great responsibility, comes sacrifices. If I could choose, I would definitely pick the latter, which is to be a normal SC. I don't mind them being of higher rank than I do. But since it's the past, let bygones be bygones then.

Was very tired last night and I slept till 10am today. The weather was so right. A good weather to sleep. hehe. And a bonus, I had a great dream. haha! I wonder if it's true that when you dream of someone, that someone is thinking of you. haha! But then, come to think of it, whenever I had a good dream about certain thing, reality always prove to me that it's just not true, ain't going to come true. =/

Oh well, struggling to make the right decision. But I think, I'm gonna miss you because letting you go is definitely not my option but if life is making it this way. I have to face it. =/

Hot and Cold

2011-03-09T01:14:00.003+08:00

It's Taeyeon's birthday today! Firstly, a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to TAEYEON to start off! (:

Went for the BCM External test today and I'm glad that I passed, one cert secured. Phew~ The 90 bucks is worth it. I don't want to retake it anymore. The questions are tricky and you need a 75% to pass. Glad that it's over. Shall proceed onto the next event in my diary.

Next up, FDM 5th anniversary. Hopefully everything will be alright! Will be praying to Father for His help! Because of His help, I had thus managed to walk so far! I'm grateful for this. (:

Gosh, it's 1.20am now. I need to turn in now. There's meeting tomorrow. Hopefully I won't get such a bad lecture tomorrow. Prays hard!

Result will be out on the 17th! Hope this semester's hard work will be paid off! I really hope that my GPA will rise instead of drop. It had been dropping ever since semester 1.2. Let's just hope for the best! (:

Alrights. Time for bed! Goodnights! (:

I feel so confused. With your hot and cold.

One moment you make me believe.

The other moment, I feel like crap to make myself believe.

When will this cycle ever end?

I guess I don't have a choice...

Saturday, weekend

2011-03-05T20:10:00.003+08:00

I never knew that when you dream of someone, that someone is thinking of you. I never knew this fact until I saw it on tumblr yesterday and my little brother thinks that it took me so long to realise that.

I'm amazed by this fact though.

Saturday is here, I had planned out many things to do but I ended up sitting in front of the computer. But I had finished watching Glee and We Got Married.

Shall start studying for BCM tomorrow. Hopefully the MCQ goes well! (:

Big brother passed his driving test and is now an official driver. He was so elated. Am happy for him! At least, the money is not wasted. =p haha.

I slept with a fear last night and woke up with it. I'm tired of comparing. I'm always tiring myself with thoughts like, "Why when I always get to know a friend and he/she ended up being closer to my friend." etcetra. Thoughts like this is really demoralising and tiring. So, I prayed. Pray to God that I will be less competitive and sensitive towards stuff like this.

Woke up and this fear got so intense that, I was shaking with fear. I'm standing in between the line of letting go and seeing how much more I could take. My heart felt shattered. That fear whereby I wanted someone to know, yet doesn't. This kind of feeling is so, confusing.

But when I expects nothing and something unexpected happened, I felt as though I'm at the top of the world.

I'm confused towards my feelings now. It's very conflicting. I don't know what I should do. I thought I could love as much as in the past, but the truth is, I don't know if I could love as much as I could. I need to find the answer.

But, nonetheless, I'm not screwing my holidays. I'm gonna enjoy every single seconds of it! (:

Post Exam Post

2011-03-04T22:29:00.003+08:00

End of Exam! Though this should be what I should post about 2 days ago but I didn't cause had been too busy catching up on sleep. haha!

Anyways, no more examinations to be taken in TP anymore. haha. That's our last Main Exam. =D Rejoicing! =D

Had an impromptu BBQ yesterday with sijin ahyi they all. Though it's a small gathering, yet, it's kinda fun. (:

I had been starving myself since Examinations ended. Actually, not quite starving, just, I didn't eat on time. haha.

Tumblr's been very unstable. Hopefully it will be back to normal soon! Time to relax though there's still 2 more examinations to take. External Cert exam. BCM and FLSM. Hopefully, I could secure this 2 certs. And hopefully, exam result for this sem will be a good one! Hopefully hopefully!

Lots of shows for me to catch up. Holidays, here I come! =D

我是他们的第三者...

Miracles, yes, it happens

2011-02-25T23:31:00.002+08:00

First paper for the Main Exam and I'm all set for it! Why? Because I experience something which I had never felt for quite some time.

It's Miracle. (:

Some people may not believe it but I truly believes in it. Well, my calculator was not in sight for 3 weeks already and I thought it was lost. So I'm using my little brother's. Quite not use to it but I have no choice. I was praying that the battery will not die on me and that the calculator itself will not fail me. Then there's this thought that invades my mind. "Search the Adidas Bag". I reached into my Adidas bag and there it was! My calculator is found! Whees! hahaha. =D

So happy. hehe. =D

Alrights, shall study AM and not procrastinate any longer. (:

I yearn for love. Yearn to fall in love with someone. But I guess, I'm not matured enough to experience such thing.

Guess because it's the last exam

2011-02-22T23:39:00.002+08:00

Guess because it's the last exam of my Poly life, that's why the feeling is so different. There's 5 papers to study for. Yet I'm only at the 2nd one. To memorise one subject is already so difficult. To memorise for 5, I think I will end up being a retard. haha! =P

I somehow wish examinations to be finish soon but yet don't want it to. Because after Main exam, it will be time for SIP then back to Sem3.2 then end of Poly life. =/

Hmmms. Sometimes, reality just keep showing us that we have to keep growing up.

I'm praying hard to Father that I could finish studying all 5 subjects before the each individual examination date. Next Monday will be a huge relief because it's the day where the 2 killer subjects are held and tested. I guess I will end up mixing the both subjects up. haha! BCM and AM. Wish us all luck.

Because I truly believe in this phase, "I reap what I sow."

Everyone jiayou! Mug real hard! =D

Revitalized Feeling

2011-02-20T23:14:00.002+08:00

I'm back! Teehee. Can't imagine I'm going through such a low period lately. But now, after days of praying and holding on to the faith, I'm back! heee.

One word to describe this, "Amen!" haha.

Alrighty, was quite productive today I guess but I still think I could do even more! 3 more chapters to end FMF and I shall continue tomorrow!

Tmr onwards, it's Happy Mugging Week! Shall camp in Library to get everything done! If only I'm that serious since Sem1.1. Then my results won't keep dropping. But, all is not too late as yet! I'm starting to work hard this Semester! (:

Planned out my routine for the week. Hope I'm sticking to it! A healthy lifestyle equals a Happy me! hehe. Hopefully this week will be productive!

I don't wish to be the best but I just hope I will do my best! (:

Alrights! Time for bed. Rule number 1 for healthy lifestyle, I shall sleep at 11.30pm every night from today onwards! (:

For better or worse

2011-02-19T20:27:00.003+08:00

At least today is somehow better than yesterday. I guess the jog is taking effect starting from today. Met Jami sister in the morning for breakfast. She passed me her invitation card. She said it was very cheap because they did it on their own. She say she can teach me when I'm getting married next time. But I guess it's going to be a long wait. haha.

Hmmmms. Started studying already. Had already planned out what I want to study. Hopefully, I will stick to it. And hopefully times allows me to have room for more revisions.

After the examination, I'm going to be a third year student in TP. Time really flies. I'm entering the third and final year in poly. Guess there's how life is going to be. Embarking on a brand new journey every now and then. But I know that, in all these changes, God is always there. And I am very grateful for this. And I had been holding on to Father for better or for worse.

I guess, I needed time to adjust and adapt. To give myself time to stop thinking of you... Or not.

Putting on my jogging shoes

2011-02-18T22:55:00.003+08:00

Went home today with a heavy heart.

All my thoughts just keep rushing and rushing. I had the impulse of going for a jog. I reached home, put down my bag, changed and put on my pair of Nike. With the music blasting, I hit for the track that I'm going to jog. I run and run and run. I thought everything will be gone if I run. There's moment when I concentrate on the music but there's moment when those thoughts just keep coming back.

My problem. Though I want to believe there's nothing but who can predict human feelings? Even if you guarantee yours, what about his? I'm not trying to fool anyone. Nor do I want to fool myself. Reached home, looked out of the window. All those tears returned. Things ain't that easy.

Tonight, I don't want to wet my pillows again. I'm refraining myself from thinking about those things anymore. Whatever will be, will be.

Things are so simple in the past, now, nothing seems so simple anymore.

For my previous crush, it's like this. Now, it's like this again. Why is it always you?

Thought it through

2011-02-17T21:45:00.002+08:00

I had been complaining to myself and to God that life's been a bitch lately. Hmmms. Cannot really imagined myself saying this but it just so sucky that I had to mention that word. I'm trying so hard to fit in, to remain as the as-long-as-i-remain-positive-everything-will-be-alright feeling, I just can't do it. Everything just collapse yesterday.

I know I shouldn't say this but I just had to. I was even thinking of choosing love over friendship. I even thought that, next time, if I am to like someone, I don't want him to be someone my friends knows. I just cannot take in the fact that he's closer to my friend than me. I felt sad with the closeness and everything.

But then, God revealed to me and indirectly showed me that, I am being a selfish jerk. =/

I should never choose love over friendship.

I prayed hard and long last night, with tears welling on my eyes. My heart shattered in so many pieces that it can't seems to be able to be fixed back. Woke up in the morning, nothing changes but thoughts changes. The world keep going on, I should not be trapped too.

I end myself up in this mess so I should clean it up myself. Everything is just a make believe, something that I thought in my mind. Everything is fake but I always thought it as something so real. I'm just making things up in my mind. I'm such a fool.

It's my last straw. Between giving up and seeing how much more I can handle.

I am going to commit everything unto God's Hand because only He can see so much. He plans my life. Everything will be alright. Father, thank you. (:

I had thought it through. Everything will be alright.

One of those days

2011-02-16T00:07:00.004+08:00

Hmmms. Am so tired now but will do a quick post before going to bed.

Today ain't a good day. So many realisations. It's one of those days. Feeling ever so down.

Hopefully when I wake up tmr, everything will change for the better.

"Being sensitive to my own feelings, is equals to being insensitive to the feelings of others. If that's the case, I would rather be insensitive towards my feelings..."

I will change, I will be a better person, I promise.

Because I know that, goodbyes are inevitable

2011-02-15T01:32:00.004+08:00

Hmmmms. Well, I felt kind of lost now. Year3s are having their last days this week already and I can't help but felt sad about it. Though it's just a brief 1 year plus that we had met, but they are definitely missed by me. I hope they will continue to work towards their goals as they depart from here. Can't believe it, my turn is coming and that is next year. I wonder how I will be feeling one year from now. haha.

Hmmmms. Felt kind of drained and sad that year3s are not going to be here anymore. Like what uncle say, "time to grow up and be independent already. Cannot everything rely on him." I understand uncle, just felt sad that you're not going to be here anymore. I used to be so carefree, working under your instructions always and now, I am to take up the responsibility. Not that I don't like it but just that, I felt the pressure. I will do my best, I had promised you and I will fulfill this promise.

Next week will be study week already. Hopefully I can do well in the Main Exam and pull my grades up. Hopefully this semester's efforts can be paid off! =D

Just hope that I could spend more time with you. But when I came to realise it, you are going already. I tried to cherish every moment. I did my best to seize every opportunities but then, time just goes by so fast when I'm with you. Wanted to tell you just how I felt but I know that, now is not the time. Maybe that time will never come but at least, you're someone. Someone really good and I really wanted. =(

All the promises we had now, might not be fulfilled because who knows, you might change, I might change. But I hope we will both uphold the promise we held for one another. Father. Help me. =/

Before I head off to bed...

2011-02-02T00:51:00.002+08:00

CNY is around the corner but am not celebrating it this year. Will be just going to grandma house only.

I think I will prefer this year's new year. A quiet one and relaxing too. Not much visiting to do.

I can also use this time to study for my upcoming Main Exams and also, prepare for the upcoming 2 presentations. (:

AM presentation went by quite smoothly today. Whees!

I think I should go to sleep now. 8am class tomorrow. (:

Shifting Perspectives

2011-01-30T23:59:00.002+08:00

My Google background image. haha! I guess people might be thinking that I'm obsessed with them. Well, I've got to admit, I like them a lot.

It's like, changing of perspectives. You may think that I'm a crazy K-pop fan. And you might think otherwise because of it. But, to me, it's just like any other human beings. You may like Taylor Swift, taking for example. It's the same. Just that I like them instead of English music now. I still listens to English and Chinese songs but for now, I'm sticking with K-pop. (:

Others may not like the 9 of them, but I do. People may not like K-pop but I do. haha.

I'm always motivated by them, in a way that, they puts in effort in whatever they do. I love all 9 of them equally because I know that they are complete when all 9 of them gets together. (:

But I'm not changing my priority list. My priority is always God. (:

Time for bed! A new week, awaits me! =D

I'm feeling happy, are you?

2011-01-29T01:26:00.004+08:00

Heading for bed soon! Had been sleeping "early" in the morning lately at around 3plus am - 4am. I really hope that I don't start seeing white hair growing out! =/

But usually when I spotted one white hair, I will pluck it out. Show no mercy! haha. Though people says, when you pluck out one white hair, 3 will grow back. Hopefully this is not true! haha.

Hopefully I can tide through this period soon! Though when projects are handed in, it will indicate that Main exams is coming soon and it's time for holiday and move on to a higher stage in Poly. After this semester, it's time for SIP and then come back for last semester. Time really flies, and especially when you're having fun.

Though my life had been revolving around projects and assignments recently, I'm happy. The sense of achievement that I had gained after handing in one project after another, thrills me!

Though tired, but I'm happy. (:

I miss playing bball and going for a jog. Because of assignments, I can't make myself wake up in the morning. Every minute that I can sleep, I will sleep. haha!

But during the holidays, I will definitely stay active. (:

L.O.V.E.

Looks simple yet, has a profound and deep meaning in it.

What is it? I'm still searching for the perfect answer to it.

Living to the fullest

2011-01-23T21:07:00.002+08:00

It's another weekend gone, and here comes the weekdays. Monday tomorrow, considered the longest weekday for me with lesson starting at 9am and ending at 6pm. In addition, there's meeting tomorrow, so my guess will be, I will be spending approximately 12hours in school or more tomorrow.

Just finished 2 projects just now. Now, have to wait for Priya to finish compiling AM and time to do the ppt slides. As for CDS, hope that I could pull through it. haha.

Had been eating good foods since Friday. Friday afternoon, teacher's treat. Went to Suntec's Gaia for Korean bbq. haha. As for Saturday, went to CM's condo for BBQ. His place was awesome. I didn't get to go to his house, had been at downstairs though. His condo is different from all those I had went before though. Maybe because it's located at Central area, his swimming pool overlooks the Singapore River and I could see the colourful bridge which I usually only sees it in teevee. Awesome place. Google search it and you will see it! It's called River place condo. (:

Not to mention, I went to an exhibition before going to his house. The exhibition is called Pompeii. It's a place being covered by ashes after Mount Venisus erupted.

Well, with every week passed, I will come to realize new things, new realizations. I won't hold on to things that don't belongs to me. I won't fight for it either because it's no use fighting, that's what I believe. But I guess, I will only fight when I truly believes in it. When things don't belong to me, it's just fate working. I must learn to accept reality. I cannot be like a kid, because in the end, the one getting hurt ultimately, is myself.

There's 2 things on my hand that I must think through. One concerns position and the other, matters of the heart. Position, I already lost in the starting point because I don't have the courage to voice out my wants while others does, it would be unfair if I were to snatch it away from them. And, I don't see the capability that I possess to lead. Give me the power, I might just abuse it. And I am too accommodating to people. I won't make a good leader. =/

For whatever it is, I'm committing to God. It's been very long since I had been on spiritual high. I missed those times. Lately, those fears keep creeping in. I don't want to be away from God. Because I cannot imagine my life without Him.

Mind

2011-01-19T00:39:00.002+08:00

My mind's in a whirl. In a state of destruction. I don't know what I should do. My guts, my heart and my brain, malfunctions.

No one can help me except for myself. I believe, it's time to really pray for this matter because I don't know where I am heading to anymore.

Help me, Father. =''(

Inactive

2011-01-16T20:15:00.002+08:00

Had not been blogging since the last post. Probably because I had been hooked on Tumblr. haha.

Hmmmms. Projects are pilling up but still am manageable. Tonnes of books for me to read but I am lazy to read. haha!

Every night when I reached home, I will crash right onto my bed. Too tired to read or revise. Some thing which I have to get rid of.

Hmmms. Things ain't good as before anymore. I had hurt someone. Someone told me that, friends are like this at times, but I don't want to be the one hurting others. I don't mind others hurting me but I don't want to be the one inflicting hurts. ='(
I am no one good. I don't like compliments on me. Though compliments are good but they makes me uneasy. Maybe because I don't deserve them.

I feel so guilty and sad. Hope matters will have a rest but I doubt it will be over that soon. =(

What a friend I am. =''(

One word and that is... Exhaustion

2011-01-12T01:00:00.002+08:00

It's 1 am now. I just finished doing my report for CDS! haha.

Finally I'm done with it! My eyes are closing and I didnt have time for Tumblr! =(

But nonetheless, school had been alright lately just that it's a bit of tiring. I don't want to sleep at "early" night every time. haha. I must store up my sleep next time before facing such chaotic days. Alright then, I think it's time for me to head off to bed.

8am class tmr and I hope, I can wake up in time! haha. (:

"It's a hole too deep, I choose to fell in it.

And day by day, I'm sinking in too deep."

Setbacks

2011-01-09T18:54:00.002+08:00

3 days of Open House 2011 is officially over and it's time to get back on track for my studies. JAE is on this coming week. New system implemented and it does not require so many people anymore.

Oh well, giving myself a break today, not doing anything relating to school work. Tomorrow onwards, it's time to start the work engine again.

The 3 days of Open House had been a fun and tiring one. It's also a time when I came to realise some things. Working with the freshies makes me realise that, I'm someone who can't be sociable. Looking at my fellow classmates, chatting so joyfully with the year1s made me envious. I wish to be able to talk to them like that but yet, there's this barrier that I couldn't get over it. Assigning of jobs too, I don't think I am doing a good job to it. When I assigned the jobs, I always end up doing it. =/

On the 2nd night, I felt so down. Really very down. Not just because of the above reasons but there's also other things mixed up together. I guess the only release I could give to those problems are praying and also, reading. And, jotting down those feelings. After writing them down, I find myself being selfish. What an egoistic person I am, is what I had thought I am. Well, no one will understand, it's just one of those days. =/

可能真的很累了，眼泪一直在流。擦干了，它又不由自主地再流。我问自己，到底在找的是什么。一直在寻找的答案，仿佛永远都找不到。

我很羡慕那些，能把自己的心情说得轻而易举的人，因为我知道要说出来是一件很困难的事。我也很羡慕那些，一翻开手机，就有一对耳朵随时随地聆听他们的心声的人。虽然我有，可是问题出自于我。

我不喜欢把自己的感想说出来，而且就算说了，她也不感兴趣。

那晚，我真的崩溃了。压抑已久的烦恼，全部释放了出来。

我想，我寻找的朋友是一个我可以信任也可以依靠的。我不想永远在照顾她虽然她也有照顾我。而且，爱不是每次都要放在口边说，心知肚明已足够。更何况，没有了我，她也有她。我不需要任何人。

隔天早上，我起来，想到我想的一切，我觉得很羞耻，身为朋友的我，不应该因为自己的需要而要求我的朋友做出改变。我错了。对不起。

Because of love, I have learnt jealousy. It's something bad.

Loving it.

2011-01-05T01:54:00.002+08:00

I'm so loving my Tumblr's dashboard! heee. I had both my CN Blue and SNSD in it! heee. I don't know how I mange to combine both of them but ta-dah! It's there! SNSD as background theme and CN Blue as the icon buttons! (:

Sorry if I'm getting kind of out of hand about Kpop fever. But I guess it's just going to get more serious. haha! But I will not let myself into a dire stage. Rest assure. (:

Just finish doing my report for this Friday's submission. Hopefully it's alright.

I should head for bed now. This week, is going to be a crazy one! Open House! =D

"I thought it's gone but when I see you again, the feeling is back."

It's a new... year.

2011-01-02T22:37:00.004+08:00

I guess I'm a little too late. haha. 2nd day of year 2011 already but nonetheless, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope year 2011 will be an awesome one for you and me! :D

Well, year 2010 had been a big one. Every year's a big one, I learnt new things and many more. Well, 2010 had been a year where I think I made lots of decision, in most aspect i think. Giving up on something which I had held on to for 2 years. Well, makes me realise that, sometimes, giving up might not be the bad thing. At least for now, I won't feel so broken as compared. I'm healing in the care of God. (:

In year 2011, I will treasure my friends even more. I will keep myself busy! Because I had so many things to do!

I've got to be more devoted in the things I'm doing. I need to grow up, spiritually, mentally. I will face every challenges in my way optimistically! Praying helps too! Commit everything unto God's Hand. :D

Well, 2010 had been a crazy one too. Especially at the end of it. I caught a fever, Kpop fever! haha! Guess what, I wanna learn Korean from scratch through the web. In the midst of homeworks and assignment I will learn that and read some self improvement genre book. haha! Consider it as a process of growing up. Live life to the fullest! :D

I also experienced something which I had never really experience before and that is someone I love left me. My granny. The night when she departed just felt so real every time. Recently, I don't know why, these scenes just keep popping up. The call that informed my dad that granny could not be woken up, the silent ride to granny's house. My dad broke down. These are evidences of my life.

Through downs and ups, I had been a strong girl, I will be stronger. (:

Well, I'm looking forward to year 2011.

I'm gonna do more exercises too! Not forgetting that! hahaa. :D

2011, what is that? It's Girls' Generations! :D

Last but not least, I wanna say,

YEAR 2011, HERE I COME! :D

Call me a Kpop addictor because I think I am...

2010-12-29T03:14:00.005+08:00

I think the biggest change in me this year is that I'm shifting from an English mainstream music listener to Kpop addictor. haha! Well, not exactly though. I usually listens to English songs when they are shuffled in my MP3.

But nonetheless, thanks to Sharon BB, I'm addicted to Kpop. You may not like the sound of it but my interest for it is building up.

After watching the Korean show, We Got Married, I find Korean culture fascinating. I'm determined to learn more about it! From scratch. I'm not going to be an expert but I will try. (:

It's 3am in the morning, I had just finished watching episode 21 of that show while doing the 'assignment' my little brother gave it to me. I felt bad doing his homework for him but find it tough for him to do it alone, struggling. haha. I offered my help but this will be the last time I'm doing it for him. haha! He needs to learn! haha.

Alright, some realization from the show. My reflection though.

Every time I finished watching one episode, I will be so envious about the life they could lead. It's like, the two of them are arranged to be a 'couple'. It's not a real thing, like 有名无实 kind of thing. Yet, the guy could show so much love for the girl. Though to put it in a way, it's like acting. But yet, I could somehow sense that they are like a real couple. Every time I closes the window, I will always want to have this kind of thing happening to me. But then I came to realise that, that and reality will never match.

Firstly, Korean guys are somehow different. They are more polite in a way. And the love that they show their girl will therefore be different.

Secondly, this kind of thing just won't happen. In my perspective now. haha. They are like living in their own world, pure and innocent. Just simple love. But to match up with the world we are living now, it's going to be different.

Thirdly, it's so cool to have brother-in-laws to respect their sister-in-law. haha!

Lastly, well, guess this is my thought about it. I prayed to God about this. Hoping that He will help me in it. It's that, I'm afraid of love. It's like a two sided thing. One side, I'm yearning for love, to have someone to care for me, etc. But then, if you flip the situation around, I have to realise that things ain't easy. I have to be responsible for the other person because it takes two hands to clap. And if things don't end well, it's just going to turn sour. And realising that, I had not really walk out of the past shadows that I recently gotten myself into, I find myself, unable to give as much love as compared.

I guess this is really not the time I guess. Especially when I don't know, what's the difference between liking someone and loving someone. All those fantasies, belong to another dimension. I should learn to adapt to be able to change from one dimension to another easily.

I really like this show a lot, especially Yonghwa. haha! But then, shows are just shows. I can't possibly find someone like him. haha! Unless I fly all the way to Korea and stay there. haha.

Well, I should really stop myself, and stop dwelling on them. haha. I had been very cautious about it. God says, not to idolize. I will not go to the stage whereby I worship them. A big no. The only person I will praise and worship will be my Heavenly Daddy, God. =D

Time for bed! Project meeting tmr. =P

Screwed. So screwed.

Define... Love

2010-12-27T00:01:00.002+08:00

Currently am watching this Korean variety show called "We Got Married". I was watching Yonghwa and Seohyun's version. Because I love SNSD thus will be watching the ones with them instead. There's one with Taeyeon too. Will be watching that soon after.

Actually I had known this show for quite some time already but didn't get to watch it but I started watching it today. I am at episode 5 now. It was addictive and sweet.

They started off as complete strangers, only get to know each other by watching television shows. Slowly, step by step, day by day, they get to know each other more. The awkwardness they used to feel seems to dissolve and they are starting to rely on each other. (:

Yonghwa is from CN Blue, a Korean boy band. Heard before but did not really take notice but then this show makes me widen my knowledge about them. I will work hard to do my 'homework' to know more about Korea. (:

As a child, I love reading love novels and till now, I still do. Watching people of opposite gender fall for each other. The chemistry, the bond, the way they look at each other just makes me go awwww. haha. And makes me wonder when will it be my turn. If I manage to find the one. haha.

I also always wonder, if everyone has the chance to date one another for a period of time. haha! How will things turn out to be. haha.

Oh well, I should stop daydreaming and get back to reality. God's love has already completed me. Though some times, I do yearn for somebody to fall for. haha! But nonetheless... (:

Long awaiting...

2010-12-22T23:51:00.002+08:00

Went out with my GB kah kees today. heee. Really missed those times together when we are in Secondary school. All those drill sessions and many more! (:

I believe it's God who had put us three tgt! Through thick and thin! Whees~

Went for lunch at Parkway Parade and after lunch, was suppose to go roller blading but it rained! So we went to Bugis instead to catch a movie. Watched Rapunzel. Nice movie, I should say. (:

Alrighty, I'm heading for the bed soon! (:

I want to buy a pair of white canvas shoes and paint them! (: Anyone wants to sponsor me the acrylic paints? heee. Or rather, anyone wants to release your creativity with me? heee. :D

I'm finding the reason. To not give up but hold on...

The dinner gathering that kick starts CHRISTMAS!!

2010-12-20T02:10:00.003+08:00

OLA! My mood is starting to sore rocket high soon! (:

Had a Christmas dinner today with my fellow main comm precious. We used to feel awkward with the seniors but then, everything just gets better and better! (: But it's a really sad thing to think that, they will be graduating in a few months time. ='( But I'm not gonna think of it first! For now, we shall continue to bond more! (:

There's about 16 of us but too bad, Sarah, CJ, Kelly and Daryl are not able to make it so that's left with the 12 of us, including Mdm.Boey. (:

Had dinner at Kuishin Bo at Suntec. It's a Japanese buffet restaurant. The food there is not bad. Maybe one day you can try, eat till your content! Though the price is a little steep, ard $54 per pax but luckily, this dinner is treated by Club. hee. (:

With all the nice food and desserts placed before us, we eat till our fullest. haha! From 6.30pm all the way to 9pm. haha!

Afterwhich, we had an exchange present program. Mdm.Boey had gotten my present. heee. I had gotten Mabel's. heee. =D I love it. haha. =D Really. =D

After dinner, we are gathered outside to think of the next location to go. Sean bought a SNSD poster and I want! So I went over to the pushcart and saw lots of SNSD poster to choose from. I picked one and bought it. Great buy! $10! And it's quite big and it's now proudly hanging in my room! =D I'm a happy girl! *Skips around*

We went over by the Singapore river to take some photos. Thinking that it's too dark, we head into Esplanade. Uncle bought a set of Monopoly Deal while Terence bought Twister. haha! Twister game was fun but the attire makes it hard for us to move. haha.

Rush for the last train and home sweet home! heee.

Great Gathering and great dinner! (:

真实

2010-12-18T21:39:00.002+08:00

心痛比快乐更真实

爱为何这样的讽刺

我忘了这是第几次

一见你就无法坚持

孤独比拥抱更真实

爱让人失去了理智

会不会是我太自私

拒绝更寂寞的日子

压抑已久的眼泪，找到了能抒发自己的轨道。流着流着，忘了自己在为了什么事情而掉眼泪。擦干眼泪，告诉自己，要更勇敢，要比以前更懂得珍惜自己。要找到一个你爱他，他也同样爱你的一个人，是需要上天的安排。时间能证明一切。

For this Christmas...

2010-12-18T11:16:00.003+08:00

Christmas is coming and I love this season. (:

I wish one day I could have a white Christmas. In a cozy room, all snuggle up beside the fireplace and with a full length window, looking out, seeing the snow falls. And last but not least, with a cup of hot Milo! haha. Others might be drinking hot chocolate but I will do otherwise. hee. (:

Term Test is over. haha. I had never worked so hard for any papers since Poly started. This time round, I'm somehow serious about getting my grades together.

This 2 weeks holiday will be quite a happening one. With events and things packed and also with CHRISTMAS! haha. 2011 is coming.

Dear Santa,

For this Christmas, I hope I could sort out my thoughts about some things and I just want to find the way to be a better person. (:

I want KAKA' jersey! hahah. =D

A break finally. (:

Hope to be the someone who could stay with you to tide over your problems.

Love is...

2010-12-13T01:00:00.002+08:00

I guess everyone's definition of love is different. Well, mine is, first thing I would thought of is God's unfailing love. (: Another word for it is unconditional love. Everyone knows the theory of it yet don't know how to practice it. Unconditional love is loving someone without wanting something in return. Well, only God could do this so well.

Love between humans. Can be family love, friendship love, plain simple love.

Hmmms. You might be wondering, why the sudden thought of wanting to talk about love. Well, I was watching the Channel U's movie just now named “等一等爱情”.

Need a little breather from my studying. haha!

Learnt a few quotes from there and found that it's quite meaningful and true. Something which speaks right into the core of me, I guess.

“我在雨中等你，在太阳底下等你。一直等一直等。一等再等。等到我不知道自己在等什么了。可能在等一个结果吧。。。”

“爱情就像德士。有时它等你。有时你等它。只要愿意等，一定会等到的。”

But then, if you keep waiting for the wrong one, it's just a waste of time. Oh well, who can fathom something so great like love...

Got to part from my lappy until Friday. Till then, I will study hard! (: Aim, increase GPA! Jiayou Jiayou! =D

Must study hard! =D

Christmas is coming! After watching Glee, I had the Christmas feel rushing within me! =D

I love Christmas! =D

Three...

2010-12-10T14:58:00.003+08:00

I turned 3 in Christ today. I still remember the night when I decided to accept Christ. It's still vividly replaying in my head.

I am home early today. Everyone's busy with something so I decided to head home.

3 years past. I wonder if I am keeping up with God's teachings. I want to be the best that I could to Him, to others and to myself. I wonder if I had did that. But I will still try my best. It's been awhile since I went to church but I will do that during my term break. Hopefully. (:

I'm caught in a dilemma. SIP. I'm trying to think of a good solution but I just can't think of any. People's feelings are concerned and I can't just treat it so easily. I can't make a choice right now cause every time I made a choice, it turns out that it might not work. 6 months or more to face that particular person. I must make a right choice. To both me and my partner.

I believe God will answer my prayers and I know I will never regret once my choice is made up. (:

For now, I must study hard for my Term Test because I must pull my GPA up again. Time to fight and work hard. Hwaiting! (:

You made me want to cry so much that

I think I should give up.

Mom, there's something i need to let you know...

2010-12-04T21:10:00.003+08:00

I was browsing through some websites when I came upon Girls' Generation song, Dear Mom. After looking at the lyrics, I felt like there's something I owe my mom. That is the abundance of love. I missed going to the market with my mom. I miss eating with my mom. She's busy and I'm busy. Words exchange in a day is getting lesser and lesser. She's not feeling well yet I can't take good care of her. I failed my duty as a daughter.

I will make a different. I don't want to wait till Mother's Day then I make her day. I will do it every day. I want to let her feel as though everyday's a Mother's Day. (:

My dad too. I will fulfill my duty to love both of them. God teaches me to love. (:

I miss my grandmother. Both of them. Though one is not here anymore. But I still love her the same.

I want to dedicate this song, Dear Mom by Girls' Generation to all moms! (:

It's in Korean but I will put the English lyrics instead. (:

"For some reason, today feels so difficult and exhausting
I hold my pillow closer as I sit alone in my room
I fidget with my phone as my heart
For some reason feels empty today
The suddenly ringing phone surprises me
I hear your voice, asking me if I ate today
Although at times, they annoyed me, today those words feel different
And all the forgotten promises I've made come flooding back to me

I will become a warm hearted person
I will become a person that puts others first
I will fulfill the wishes of your love
The person who I share my dreams with
The one who used to comb my hair, I think of my mom

Although at times, I hurt you because of my wrong decisions
You quietly watched over me from afar
Although I'm still a young and clumsy child
I think I understand now
The meaning of your silent prayers

What should I do? My heart is still so small
If I let go of your hand, I'm not sure if I can make it without you
I don't think I'm ready yet
And I'm scared

I will become a wise daughter
Give me courage
No matter where I go, I will be a daughter you can be proud of
I will fulfill the wishes of your love
With all the love that you have shown me
I will have a warm heart
I was too shy to express this to you clearly
Mom, I truly love you"

Today, for no reason, feels so hard to go through. You're all that I wanted yet can't have. I needed you. Yet you never needed me...

I think my heart broke a little again today. The only solution is to see your face again.

I love to hear your laughter because at least I know, you're happy.

The power to move and let go...

2010-12-04T01:20:00.008+08:00

This week, pass by so quickly that I could not recall what I had done.

AM assignment is finally handed in. Away with this, I'm gonna take on BCM tmr. Hopefully I could finish it tmr. Which means I should stop my senseless slacking and procrastinating. =/

I should be grateful and thankful to God. After seeing Kent and Sean's arms, I felt so relieved that the nurse that had aided me for blood donation was professional enough that they didn't cause any irritations to my veins thus no bruises on my arms. Phew. (: Hopefully I will be lucky enough next time when I'm donating. (:

Just finished watching Glee and I loved especially the scene when New Directions is performing. Sam and Quinn as usual. My favorite. hee. =D

Had a superb day, had an awesome dinner. (:

Time for bed and hopefully I could wake up tmr for a jog. To boost my day. (:

I should take up other sports soon. To keep myself active. But jogging is still the best sports I've ever done. Apart from basketball. (:

I must realise the fact that, I have to learn to let you go before falling heads over heels for you. Because you are going away soon and I could still see sadness remaining in you when she's mentioned. Maybe this is wrong. I should stop.

Agonizing yet I must learn to move on. Truth is, you're somehow different. I wanted to hold on tight yet I must learn to let go first. Because my heart can't afford to break anymore, not now as yet because it's still healing...

Courage

2010-12-02T21:48:00.002+08:00

It's always the beginning that is hard. But at the end of the day, what you received is something so beautiful. (:

I was about to give up donating blood last night. I was really shivering with fear. Thinking about the needles and the blood. Then, in the morning, I was there. Sitting at TP Auditorium, filling up my particulars. Then came the screening by doctor then followed by blood test. Reality set in when i was sitting at the donor chair. The nurse came and injected the painkiller. It hurts, it truly does. Then the blood donating process came. It's not as painful as getting the painkiller jab. There's no feeling. But i felt weird after seeing the blood. =/

Had a rest and I've gotten my purple bandage! hee. =D Evon fainted! Gave me the shock of the day. haha. Take care!

Then the day goes on. (:

Just by looking at you, that's happiness.